Thursday, July 29, 2004

Kids in Politics

What the hell is the US presidential race coming to? How old do you have to be before you can vote again? 18, I think. I must say that Americans tend to start really early in politics, to the point that they're even into forming kids clubs supporting their presidential favorites. Consider the Kids for Kerry website founded by a 12 or 13-year-old kid, Ilana Wexler in support of Kerry's mission.



In fact, this kid actually appeared at the Democratic convention a few days ago and chastisted Dick Cheney for using foul language on television, saying that he deserves a timeout...mark you, I agree with the kid, but I really don't see why kids have to get involved in politics for so young (yes, she has even managed to raise thousands of dollars for the campaign). If you want to check out the story of her speech at the convention, visit this link.

Imagine if kids were to get involved in Jamaican politics..."Juniors for JLP" or "Pre-teens for PNP" what a terrible tragedy it would be. The fact is, polit(r)ic(k)s is a dirty affair and I really wouldn't want my 12-year old son or daughter coming home with tins of money for our politicians, why so that they can take it and buy guns for the inner city youth or do something corrupt with it? Screw that! In fact, I'm sure that these little junior laborites and pre-teen socialists would meet up at the same school and bruck fight wid each other...after all, this is how our political campaigning has presented itself in our media over the years...the rich politicians sit together and laugh at the poor bastards killing each other in the name of the head or the bell. Sometimes I think that we should just screw politics and have a self-organizing format for our society...alas, 'tis not the way that us greedy humans think.

{arf,arf}

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I Stand Alone...

We live in a world filled with illusions, simple smoke and mirrors that shield us from the reality of our environment. From the moment of our birth, we are alone. We spend the majority of our time alone and our death is ours and ours alone. For the raw reality of it all is that our time here is nothing more than a three-phase cycle--birth, life and death.

I suppose that it is the mere nature of man that we try to etch our names permanently upon this world as a simple monument to ourselves that will remind those that come after us that we were actually here. When I die, will I be remembered for good? will I be remembered for evil? will I be remembered at all? or will the memory of all that I am, all that I was, be forever lost in the sands of time.

One does not truly realize the complete magnitude of lonliness until he finds himself sitting in a dimly lit room pouring his thoughts into a machine that can neither comprehend or symphatize with his plight. It is then he realizes that, in the darkest hour, he can only turn to himself for companionship, for assurance, for strength. Love is an illusion, for those that you love the strongest will always hurt you the deepest. If love is as wonderful as they say it is, then why must we hurt the ones we love and get hurt by them in return?

Happiness is a temporal state, for regardless of how much we strive for, crave, or desire happiness, it can never be a constant, for such is its fleeting nature. I suppose that these things must be, for it is all a part of the price we must pay for the disobedience of Adam and Eve so long ago.

Friendship is also an illusion designed to torment us. With very few exceptions, most so-called friends have ulterior motives...the concept of a "true friend" is very difficult to comprehend for most. Why is it that I am able to do things for others without ever counting the cost, while others must "keep score" of all the things that you do for them and they do for you--is it not true that a friend helps another friend unconditionally? or am I simply the product of a family that was too self-righteous?

In the final analysis, life is an illusion and all that we hold dear to ourselves will, in one way or another, fail us. I have failed those close to me many times and so too have they. In truth, I have even failed myself. How can it be fair then that me, my best friend, could let myself down? I suppose that this is one of the greater paradoxes for the ages or a startling reflection of the nature of Man.

When you strip away the love, the hatred, the anguish and the joy we are simply mortal and we are all destined to walk the world alone until our time expires and (depending on your religious inclination) exist is some mystical afterlife realm or spend eternity trapped inside a shell that no longer responds to your wishes and desires.

When my time to take leave this mortal world comes, let my name not be echoed from the mouths of those whom I leave behind. Let the memory of all that I am, all that I was, and all that I will become be consumed in the flames that will destroy my body. For I do not wish to be remembered for my good works or for the evil that I have done. I simply desire that my death, like my life, be mine and mine alone.

{nuff said}

Monday, July 26, 2004

Welcome one and all to the greatest show in the world. Well, as you can see by the title of today's blog, I have a little bit secret about Dr. D to share with you all. I've done a great deal of research to ensure that the facts are in place and I have had many conferences with my friends in the "underground", so when the news buss on TVJ or CVM, remember that you saw it at Angry Dog's site first.


Of course you do! Well, it turns out that our friend the great Dr. D has been leading a double life! Yes sir, I've contacted my links in the paparazzi to bring you some astonishing images of the good doctor.



Here's a rare picture of the Doc with actress Kelly Hu in the European version of the blockbuster hit The Scorpion King.



When we said that the good Doc was large, he is large for real! Here he is alongside co-star Halle Berry in the [unedited] Russian version of the film Die Another Day, where he had the distinction of being the first black high color browning James Bond.



Here is an early shot of the doctor in the British version of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As you can see, even though this film was taken over 10 years ago, the Doctor still looks bright and youthful as he does today.



In recent years, things have been rather tough for the famous Dr. D and, as such, he has had to resort to a life of porn...here is a recent picture of him alongside porn diva Olivia Del Rio at the 2004 AVN Awards.



Finally, this picture was taken two weeks ago before the Doctor's famed visit to Lime Cay. Notice that his diet and exercise regimen has paid off, as well as a severe dose of the MadBullkins Diet [see Mad Bull for details of the diet].




Well, there you have it folks, another celebrity revealed! Until next time, stay safe and happy!

{arf,arf}

What If Osama Come to Jamaica

Greetings to all my brethrens, sistrens, dogdrens, pussdrens, etc. Now from the title of the post you are probably wondering what the hell the Angry Dog have under him collar this morning to share with you. Well, I was reading Mad Bull's blog a while ago and he was talking about the US embassy moving to Barbican [very close to my home in Jamaica, I might add]. He was talking about this idea put forth by a local commentator [and former high school teacher of mine], one Mr. Michael Burke. Burke's idea was simply to put the embassy on a little island offshore and have the US provide a ferry service to said embassy. Well, I don't know how plausible that is still, but I doubt Uncle Sam cares that much about Jamaica to provide a service like that.

Anyhow, check it out, the article and Mad Bull's comment made me wonder what would happen if the ol' dutty Taliban ever try to come to Jamaica and, yes, I've once again created a list of the reasons why they wouldn't be very successful if they tried:


  • 1. It is common knowledge that Jamaicans, in general, have an innate knowledge of the use of weapons. As children, we are taught to peel oranges with very sharp knives, as adults we learn to use machetes to chop things like coconuts as well as for gardening, therefore our skills are second to none. Just ask my grandmother [God rest her soul] how she knew how to throw an unbalanced kitchen knife into a door, just inches away from my grandfather's ear--she'd never done it before, but it's just a natural thing.


  • 2. Our police and soldiers are extremely good marksmen. The rapid increase in the criminal element in the country has lead to a rise in the bullet to criminal ratio, as a result, our defense force must ensure that each and every bullet counts and the Taliban would not stand a chance against a highly-trained defense force skilled in urban anti-terrorism! Jamaican Indians, be careful though, because you might "accidentaly" get shot by some overzealous members of the defense force and end up with a gun in your hand or a bomb strapped to your body.


  • 3. Elephant Man would come up with a dance and a song that will be used as a part of the international anti-al Qaeda campaign: "Load up and shat dung Taliban".


  • 4. In times of crisis [like this one] the Rastafarian community will rise up from every nook, cranny and mountaintop and come marching against Osama and his crew with their weapons of mass destruction [i.e. stick, bottle, stone, cutlass, etc]. Besides, the dreads would be most adept at night combat against the enemy, since the weed would have helped to develop extremely poweful night vision. Don't even think for a minute that the Rastafarians are only in the business of making mats and brooms...you ever see a fat dread yet? No sir, they up in the hills practicing their special brand of military combat tactics!


  • 5. Bad to bad, even the gunmen would rise up against the Taliban--after all, who more cold hearted than Jamaica's own homegrown badmen? It is anticipated that they would cancel each other out, thereby ending Bin Ladin's reign of terror on the world and the evil of our gunmen and drug dealers.


  • 6. Hmmm, probably the PNP and JLP will be wiped out and the Natural Law Party will take over leadership of the country. For those of you that don't know about the Natural Law Party, it was a political party that had formed a few years ago by some religious folks--I don't remember if they were B'ahai or just really into yoga, but their whole thing was that all of Jamaica's problems could be solved by something called Transcendental Meditation...kiss mi rass, imagine gunman and tief a meditate to backside!


  • 7. After seeing the sexy body women, alcohol, weed, good food and music that the country has to offer, the enemy forces will be severely depleted by soldiers who wish to defect and become yardies--what better way to destroy a man's religious fanatisicm by exposing him to a "big batty gyal", a finger of whites and a spliff...wuss when dem all smell di succulent roast pork pon di drum pan!


  • 8. If you can convince the majority of Jamaicans that Taliban really means "battyman" then you can rest assured that Osama and his boys will get the $#!+ beat out of them, cause u dun know that if you want to incite a violent mob, just make sure that you use the terms "batty man" or "chi chi man" against someone.



Hey, incidentally, how many of you know that there are/were more parties outside of the PNP, JLP and NDM? In fact, according to this list provided by the electoral office, there are about 24 other parties! Wow! Anyhow, I've said my little piece now, so I am headed off to bed! Hope y'all have a wonderful day and we will talk again sometime soon. Chao!

{arf,arf}

Saturday, July 24, 2004

What Women Desire

Hail up my crew! Hope y'all having a wonderful, fun-filled Saturday evening. Well, I'm quite proud of the things I got done today still. Managed to buy and assemble a desk for my room and change the spark plugs in my car [she running sweet now you see!]. It's around 8:20pm and I'm just kicking back until some decent movie begins on Starz...I think Radio is starting at 9:00pm, so I'll watch that. Hey, here's a word of advice for you: whenever you're assembling furniture, be sure that you have a hammer to hit the nails into the wood, it hurts like hell when you use a tape measure. Also, make sure that the engine is really cool when you're changing spark plugs!

Now, I got quite a few comments on the previous post regarding the dating age equation and, while I don't normally do this, I'll address everyone's concerns here:


  • Mad Bull, that was a very astute observation sir. Yes, you are quite correct in saying that you should date women in their 20s when you are between 37 - 40...hypothetically this is very true, however due to lack of reasearch (i.e. I'm not within the 37 - 40 age range yet) I am not quite able to comment on that. But it may be argues that if older women date younger men then, in order to maintain the balance of things, older men have to date younger women; otherwise, you would have a disparate number of single young ladies in the world. Ideally, the lower bound of 18 must be considered (cause you don't want to sleep in prison now, do you!).


  • Strainer10, you are within the age range described in the post, as such you should be looking at women in your age range at this point in time, regardless of lack of relationship experience.


  • Dr. D, I have no comment for you...you are absolutely correct in your observation [though one may argue about the level of maturity of 20-something females]...post college is not too bad an age for you to be targetting because at that age you will assume that they are ambitious if they actually completed a degree and, as such, the maturity might be present...not always true though.


  • Yamfoot, you are a very flexible woman...may the good Lord help the man that you finally settle down with!



OK, now that I have that out of the way, I can tell you about the juicy article I found on MSN that talked about how men can get the perfect body that women want...men, you need to check it out, because they even provide exercises for building said body parts.

Anyhow, the gist of the article is that we men spend too much time working on body parts that might be more visually appealing to other men! *gasp* For instance, men build big biceps because they can be seen by themselves and other men! *shock and awe*. Anyhow, the article went on to say that certain body parts are more attractive to women because of innate instincts [i.e. animal nature]. The back, the shoulders, the butt and the calves are quite important according to this article.

A broad back helps with a V-shape look to the body and is a symbol of protection [from cave man days]. Big shoulders are the "muscles of love and war"...mek sense to me. A good butt gives the lady something to grab on to during the act of procreation, ok I buy that too. Finally, well developed calves are important for balancing out the body...i.e. you can run as well as lift heavy stuff.

Well, I buy all four of those reasons still and I believe that the article makes much sense. This reminds me of when I go to the gym and I see guys walking around with huge chests and no leg or bicep development or huge arms and no chest development or a huge upper body and no lower body strength. I've always thought it was disproportionate and could only look good if you're walking around in a tight t-shirt and baggy pants on a saturday night. In fact, I found myself more interested in training the lower body in my later years. To be honest with you, I've been top heavy myself and I hated looking at my body in the mirror or going to the beach or even wearing shorts for that matter [now I'm fat all over, but at least I'm no longer top heavy!].

Anyhow, my point is that if you're going to work out go ahead and train every body part instead of just working on the "mirror muscles" i.e. the muscles you can see only in the mirror at the gym. Don't just spend your time doing bench press and curls and shoulder press...do likkle calf and quarducep training to nuh man? after all, who doesn't want to be proud to take off their shirt and pants when the time is right!

{arf,arf}

Friday, July 23, 2004

Friday Flexing

Well, hello one and all...it's 11:44pm on a Friday night and I'm getting ready to call it quits for the night. Didn't do very much today still--just took it easy and spent the day sleeping, chatting with Pebbles and a few other folks, and generally being a bum. My buddy Gabe picked me up earlier this afternoon and we ended up going to the police station [no I'm not in any trouble with the law if that's what y'all thinking...I am a well-behaved dog, I hardly bark and only bite when told to do so!] to get my parking permit transferred to his name, since parking is really scarce in Little Big City and a permit is like gold nowadays. After that, we went to the B*Pub and had some nasty cheap beer and then some rum and coke [for Gabe] and a gay Strawberry Daquiri for me [it had nuff Tequila, so don't even try to think it was a girl's drink I was drinking!].

Got dropped home by Gabe and Jalee came over for pizza and a movie...pizza was good, movie wasn't happening...we were both too tired, so we ended up watching episodes of While You Were Out and What Not To Wear. She left about an hour ago and I decided to update my blog and see if any of the Jamaican blog possee was online, but obviously they weren't, seeing as how they have the stamina to stay out much longer than I [or someone just forgot to pay the Internet bill].

Last night I went out with my friend Texas Rob to eat some nasty Mexican food (it was really good though, but we just figured that calling it nasty would give it this rough-sounding edge that would make it seem as if we were really adventerous). On the way to the restaurant, we saw a red Ford Probe with the sticker "MILFHunter...hunting milfs in your neighbourhood" displayed prominently on the back glass. Now, for most of you that don't know, MILF is an abbreviation for "Mom I'd Like to Shag" [substitute the F word for shag and you get the proper meaning]. Anyhow, a MILF is generally an over 30 female [usually with kid(s)] that are darn hot and there's actually a website called MILFHunter on the web (now, I'm not linking it on my site, but if you want to go see what's going on with them, you can type the URL into your own web browser].

Well, the whole idea of MILF made me start thinking about a trend that seems to becoming more apparent in Hollywood as of late...that is older women and younger men. Consider Ashton Kutcher (25) and Demi Moore (>40) or Justin Timberlake (23) and Cameron Diaz (32). These guys don't seem to be too great, but the women seem to be pretty happy and their relationships are still working [don't know for how long though]. At any rate, I think that we as men have wasted many of our precious years pursuing young, sexy little vixens that are way younger than ourselves. Generally, the older guy, younger girl thing ends in tears and nothing is really gained from this. Well fellows, I have the solution to our dilemma--"OLDER WOMEN" [are you listening to me R. Kelly?].

Forget about the youthful nymphs...we want more mature women that are in their sexual prime and who [hopefully] have accomplished a bit more with their lives than the majority of late teen-early twenties girls that we are so obsessed with. I cite my own experiences to justify this claim. My first girlfriend was at 15 and she and I were the same age--turns out that she broke my heart and left me for a bike-riding, drug-dealer from Portmore. My next girlfriend was at 16 and she was just a few months older than me...she turned out to be a 6' tall psycho-chick and I had to spend a while getting her out of my life. Then was Vicki, she was 21 when I was 16 and we had a great relationship [until I decided that I hated her feet and decided to leave her] *yes, I know, I was quirky little bastard in those days*

Well, after Vicki, there was Lana [who was my age] and she turned out to be a psycho as well...her mom even threatened to kill me after I broke up with her! Then, there was Felicia when I was 20....she was 10 years older than me and we got along really well--she understood me and knew where I was coming from with my pattern of thinking [sadly, we broke it off because she used to compare me with my dad *who she was sort of seeing before I ummm...sort of started dating her*]. Then, when I was 20, I met Samantha, who was about four-five years younger than me...things were more or less ok, except that I was in the US and she was in Jamaica and the more we grew up, the more we realized that we didn't like each other so much. Last time I saw her, she was a model for one of the more prominent modelling agencies in Jamaica and finishing up her Bachelors. Really smart and beautiful girl, but the age thing (coupled with distance) and differences in lifestyles made us have totally different expectations from each other and we couldn't work.

Next came The Pianist from Taiwan. She was about three or four years older than me and we had a great time in the year and a half we were together, until she decided to cheat on me with some fat, ugly, psychotic American fellow and then decided to go back home and get married to her ex-boyfriend...she has a kid now and I hope she's happy and more settled.

Now, I'm with Pebbles who's just a few months older than me, and our relationship is wonderful--she is such a great girlfriend and a good person that I could never ask for more in a woman. After all the twisted relationships I've been through in my lifetime, I have to say that having Pebbles in my life is like a breath of fresh air.

Anyhow, I'm not bragging [or lamenting] about my relationships...I just wanted to use my experiences to form the basis for the following formulae:

If age < 20, date women 4-5 years older.
If 20 <= age < 25, date women 3-4 years older.
If age >= 25, date women at least 6 months-1 year older than you.

See, my theory for these equations is that when you're less than 20, you're pretty dumb, therefore you need to have an older woman to provide some idea of logic and sense in your life. When you're between 20 and 25, you're still pretty dumb...but not as dumb as you were when you were under 20, so you can deal with slightly younger women. Finally, when you're 25 or older, you're expected to understand little more about life and you should've gone through the trials by fire in the early years, therefore you can safely date women who are about the same age [they're still smarter than you] because you're already set in your ways and there's really not much more you can learn from her anyway.

This work is based on my personal research and, as such, I am not responsible for anything...anybody want to turn this into a research paper with me or comment on the logics of my experiments.

{arf,arf}

Thursday, July 22, 2004

The Elegance of Patois

You know, chillin with the Jamaican blog community offers me the opportunity to maintain my patois. Where else could I go to see someone type in patois [Dr. D] or hear long forgotten words like mookot [a la Mad Bull]. Well, mi really glad fi get a chance fi chat likkle patois still you know--cause it hard no backside fi continually chat like me a Yankee [tr: I'm realy glad to have the chance to speak a little patois because it's really hard to speak like an American all the time].

Now, on the subject of speaking like an American: I used to have a boss when I was an undergrad that considered himself to be a "linguist" and he would spend hours trying to "teach" me how to speak "proper english". You ever see my dying trials? this man trying to tell me things like, "no Angry, we don't say "couch", we say "cauwch" or "it's not cow, it's cauw" or my favorite one yet, "you water your garden with a hose and live in a hauwse". This was the same man that one day said to me "look Angry, does the new plam in my office remind you of home?" For the life of me, I wanted to roll over and die with laughter right there! The man could not pronounce the simple four letter word "palm". I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to laugh and laugh I did...in fact, I laughed until I had a muscle contraction in my back and tears came to my eyes.

Now, the one thing that really got my goat was the fact that this man one day [close to when I was about the graduate and leave the job forever] said to me "Angry, you know that your english has improved a lot since working here and I'm glad I was able to teach you", I was mad as hell, imagine, me a native speaker of english being told by someone that my english had improved, what the f*ck? Me, the student who could bang out complex essays in 15 minutes that got nothing short of an A (and a few offers of publication by my overzealous professor), what the hell? Anyhow, I couldn't tell him bout him rass, since I really did need him to write a letter of recommendation for me. But, I made a "special" Jamaican mix CD for him as a going away present. You see, he was a homosexual, though everone knew it and he tried to hide it (never could understand why gay folk oftentime tend to call their significant others their "roommate"). Anyhow, the mix CD consisted of "Boom Bye Bye" by Buju Banton, "Chi-Chi Man" by TOK, "Love P*nany" by Shabba Ranks and a few other selections that send across a clear message that the vast majority of Jamaican men only like women and don't take too kindly to "batty mechanics". Can I tell you people, the man loved the CD...couldn't understand one shyte of what the DJs were saying, but he loved it anyway...*sigh* the elegance of patois...you gotta be born and raised in Jamaica to understand what the hell we talking about...to the rest of the world our words sound like harmonious drivel.

Speaking of elegance, one of my favorite pasttimes as a undergrad was to curse in patois during class. No one could understand what I was saying and I was quite content to lay down thick layers of the b.c. and the r.c. to my professors--and the worst part is that, when you say it with a smile, they're all thinking "isn't that cute, the poor little confused Jamaican boy is telling me such wonderful things in his native tongue!". Well, I had a ball doing this for my first semester, especially in French class where I would say things like "Bonjour, Je M'appelle B*mbo R*ss" [I hated my teacher with a passion and these little things amuzed me]. Well, in my second semester, I had an english teacher that gave us unbelievably large volumes of work and one day made the comment "why the r*ss dis bl*odcl*et woman haffi gi big man so much work fah?" At the end of class, the teacher [a skinny, bone white woman with a thick southern accent] pulled me aside and asked me to refrain from cursing in her class. *shock, awe, fear* I later learned that she had dated a Jamaican for a while and was quite familiar with the little quirks of our patois. Well, suffice it to say, I stopped cursing in patois in class.

I like to consider patois as a language of itself, due to the fact that it does have a complex grammatical structure and all the other requirements based on Chomsky's Taxonomy that would make it a language (so I did learn something from the "linguist" after all). Anyhow, I consider myself to be tri-lingual. English, Patois and Spanish [I would count the 12 programing languages that I know, but I don't speak in C or Java, so I won't]. The only problem that I have is that I sometimes tend to get confused with the three languages and run into all manner of strange problems. For instance, take the other day when I call Pebbles in Spain and her mom picks up the phone. I start talking to her in spanish, but instead of saying "si", I would respond with "yeah man"...oops, poor woman was confused as anything. Or one day I go to the cafeteria for lunch and I look at the guy (a 100% african american) "Yow, sell me two hamburger and a pepsi nuh". Of course, the guy had no idea what I was saying and I had to repeat my order. The thing is that this happens to me mostly when I'm alone for long periods of time--I guess I feel more natural speaking patois and the fact that I talk to other Jamaicans like Yamfoot, Dr. D, Mad Bull and Strainer10 online in patois, it causes my brain to lapse into patois-mode. Normally, when I interact with a lot of people from different cultures on a regular basis, I have no problem context switching between the three languages--in fact, I've had many moments where I had to carry on conversations in all three languages and not miss a beat.

I know that patois is often looked down on by some Jamaicans and people that speak the hardcore patois are oftentimes considered to be stupid or uneducated. My grandmother used to hate to hear us speak patois and would always force us to speak the queen's english...sadly, it was very difficult to cope in school where other kids spoke patois and you spoke "properly", especially since I went to an all-boy's high school where you were ostracized if you didn't sound or act like the rest of the population. So, in a way, high school forced me to learn patois and I'm really glad that I did too because I've found that it allows me to communicate more efficiently with people from all walks of life. Yes, it's true that I am well-educated, but I never want the fact that I have a Masters degree and study/live/work in the US to set me too far apart from my friends who have not been as blessed with education success. Hence, I will never try to dilute my accent or "forget" about my patois, which is a part of my heritage. For when it all boils down to it, I am a Jamaican pure and true and I can never turn away from my culture or the people that knew me and were friends with me when I had nothing.

100% Jamaican. No Preservaties or Addtivies.

{arf,arf}

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Columbus B@#b@c*@tt

The other day Dr. D posted an article about Columbus' ancestor coming to Jamaica for a visit to the nation that his great++ grandfather had "discovered". I had no idea that there was so much excitement about this mans visit! He's getting the keys to Spanish Town (the poor sucker) a citation from the mayor of Kingston (in the US, citations mean that you have to appear in front of a judge for some criminal offence) and, to top it off, he'll lay a wreath at the statue of his ancestor (ummm, I had no idea that we had a statute of Columbus here).



A reader of the Jamaica Gleaner, one Mr. Garfield Morgan, was quite upset by the visit of Mr. Cristobal Colon de Carvajal (aka Columbus v.2004) to our land of wood and water and wrote a letter to the editor venting his views of the impending visit. To be honest with you, I agree a lot with what Mr. Morgan is saying--I mean, think about it, Columbus wasn't that much different from Henry Morgan, et.al. As a kid, I grew up seeing these tall, brave looking fellows in stockings with feather hats standing over the bronzed Indians that once walked this very land....ummm, wasn't the majority of Columbus' crew made up of convicts? how come they looked so clean and fresh after months at sea? At any rate, Morgan does raise an interesting point about bestowing this honor upon a man whose forefather helped to eliminate the natives, as far as I'm concerned he should've just been really quiet about his visit and just gone to Hedonism II for a frolick with some of the natives that his grandfather++ would certainly have approved of! Let us hope and pray that he doesn't invoke the ire of the Rastafarian community.

It looks like that time of year again where foreigners will be flocking to our shores for Reggae Sumfest. According to the projections by the event planners, the show may easily rake in $2.5 Million++ USD for Montego Bay's ailing economy. As Mad Bull pointed out in a recent post, Jamaica hasn't been having such a great time with respect to cruise ship arrivals in recent months and this money will surely help to boost Mobay's ailing economy. Well, I wish all the partygoers good luck and nuff enjoyment and I also implore the entertainers to behave themselves! and to the vendors, taxi drivers and petty thieves...please make our tourists feel welcome because we really do need the money to project ourselves as a warm and friendly "no problem mon, I watch Cool Runnings mon, you want some weed mon" nation that Mr. Columbus would want us to be! BTW, can someone please tell me who this young lady named Blue Fox (pictured below) is, cause she looking quite fine!




Oh yeah, one last parting shot...the other day Dr. D told you all about an Ice Cream day festival nonsense that was going on (I believe it was Sunday the 19th), well you haven't lived until you've had Japanese Ice Cream! it turns out that these people will make ice cream out of anything....including horses, cows, goats, whales, seaweed, garlic, silk, potatoes...no kidding! check the link out and see for yourself!




Anyhow, just thought I'd hit y'all up with another post! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it! Have a great day and talk to y'all soon!

{arf,arf}

Monday, July 19, 2004

Return of the Dog

OK, so I know I said that I'd be away from blogging for a good two weeks and I'm back 11 days earlier than anticipated, but I couldn't help myself. With all the comments I received from my friends, particularly the folks in the Jamaican blogging community, Stifled_Angel and Hard_Nonsense (I'l soon comment on your latest stories, I promise), I knew that I would be missed...thank you guys for supporting the dog! I really didn't want to quit blogging to be honest with you, but I guess the stress of defending my thesis and moving as well as coming up with good ways to teach my students was just a wee bit much for me, but I'm better now.

Anyhow, just a quick update on the moving status. I've done it I've done it I've done it. Yes, I moved from the apartment complex I've lived at for the past 6 years...even finished cleaning and turned in the keys yesterday! Hopefully my landlord is happy with the cleaning job I've done (though I must admit that the place looks much better than when I first moved in!). The new place is awesome! It's quiet, there's parking right in front of my building, it has central air and it's really cozy. Best of all, I don't have to climb 101 flights of stairs anymore to get home! You can understand why I didn't really enjoy going to the supermarket too often when I was in the old place. Sure, the rent is a little bit more and I have to pay for electricity and water--but what the hell, I'm a grown-up with a real job and I should start living like one! I hope that Pebbles will love the place as much as I do! The only thing that bugs the life out of me is the fact that I have to deal with a *gasp* pink bathroom! Thank God for my friend Jalee who helped me to locate some curtains that helped to tone down the Pepto-Bismol pink!


While perusing the Jamaica Gleaner this morning (yes, even though I am in far-een I like to know what's going on in the motherland from time to time), I came across an interesting article about this lady named Marlene Rodriguez-Rowe who hails from Olympic Gardens. People, this woman is a saint if I've ever seen one! Her involvement in the community is astounding and, based on the article, she is a selfless giver who is always looking for some way or the other to give back to her community! To tell you the truth, I'm really impressed by this woman because she is trying to make a difference in the lives of inner city kids--something that our politicians can't really claim (unless giving guns and money to youths to kill each other all in the name of polit(r)ic(k)s is considered a community activity). At any rate, my hats off to this lady for trying to make a difference in these kids lives and showing them that there is a better way to rise above poverty.

Well on a lighter note, you all know that the Angry Dog is all about top 10 this and top 10 that, well here's my latest top 10 chart...something I like to call "Angry's Top 10 Reasons for Having a Big Gut"



1. Status Symbol -- A big stomach may be construed to be a symbol of good health because it means that you can actually afford food to get that stomach, therefore there is a positive correlation between the size of one's waistline and the fatness of their bank account.

2. Cruise Control -- Ever driving on a long, straight, boring stretch of road and wish you could just release the steering wheel and the car would keep going straight? Well, if you have a big stomach, all you have to do is pull the driver's seat forward and let the wheel rest on top of your gut, leaving your hands free for other things like reading, photography or masturbation.

3. Lifting Device -- Sometimes if you're lifting something heavy it pays to have a big gut, because you can rest stuff on the ledge between your stomach and your chest, thereby reducing the load on your arms. Let's see those six-pack boys try that.

4. Food Catcher -- Ever had those times when you're eating a nice meal and something falls off your plate? Well, if you have a nice, big stomach you will easily be able to catch whatever falls from your plate on the ledge (as described in reason #3).

5, Survival Kit -- In times of famine, the big guts will prevail! While those skinny six-packers will fall down dead from starvation, the big bellied ones will have ample supplies to live off and, as such, the big bellied shall inherit the earth *insert sinster laugh here*.

6. Space Heater -- Ladies if you live in cold climates where heating is unpredictable you need to invest in a BBM *Big Bellied Male*. Imagine those long, cold nights where the heating is out and you have your BBM next to you...just rub the tummy and see how quickly he warms up, providing you with ample heat all night long! Plus, the tummy makes an exceptionally inviting pillow.

7. Penis Enhancer -- If the gut is large enough to hide your willy from your vision, you can always imagine that it's a lot bigger than it really is! Screw Smiling Bob and the annoying Enzyte Male Enhancement ads...it's what you imagine that makes the difference ;).

8. Trampoline -- Kids love this, why not just jump up and down in Daddy's big tummy...it has enough elasticity to keep kids entertained for hours!

9. Flotation Device -- It is a scientifically-proven fact that skinny people drown faster than those with more than ample stomachs. If you think about it for a moment, it all makes sense, the stomach is the perfect flotation device! If you relax and concentrate your stomach should be able to keep you afloat until help arrives, it's a medically proven fact...ask Dr. D

10. Sporting Events -- Have you ever been to those football matches (or other sporting events) where you have all these fans cheering wildly and there is a group of topless males with different letters painted on their stomach who stand up and you realize that the letters spell something like "Go Team!" Well, if you have a big enough stomach, you can be your own one man cheering section at sporting events. Imagine, you're watching the Reggae Boyz play against, say the US and it's the middle of the first half and we're not doing so well. The Americans have their little skinny fellows with one letter painted on their tiny stomaches spelling out something like "Let's Go!" or "Go Team" and you get up, peel your shirt of, proudly revealing something like "Gwaan Chru Reggae Boyz Mek Wi Bruk Up Dem Bo**boR*$$C**t"...that is patriotisim at it's highest IMHO.

Enjoy the rest of your day folks!

{arf,arf}

Friday, July 16, 2004

To Blog or not to Blog

Friday night. Stressed out with all the packing that has to go on, nervous and excited about the big move tomorrow, happy that my life will soon stabilize and I'll have a steady job, a new apartment, food in the fridge and cash in my pocket. Now, as I said earlier, the phone company told me that I'll be without my precious DSL for two weeks! A most painful two weeks it shall be too!

At any rate, I was considering the whole blogging thing and was toying with the idea of just quitting altogether, packing it up and saying "Adios Amigos!" The never-ending quest to find the interesting article to write about and not spending too much time talking about myself is a bit stressful you know. Like I'd said in previous posts, I don't want this blog to be centered around me, I want it to have a life of its own and provide amusement and insight to everyone that visits this little web page. I've tried to bring across my perspective of the world from the eyes of a man born and raised in Jamaica who spent a good portion of his 20s in the US gaining an education. I've tried to bring humor, common sense and a general trivializing of the more mundane things in our world. Sadly, I feel as if I have failed in my mission.

And so it is that I'm at this turning point in my life as a blogger, do I blog? do I not blog? do I blog a little? do I blog a lot? Well, I've decided that I'm going to stay away from my blog for two weeks...don't worry, I've already made up my mind that I'm not going to quit blogging. I just need some time to regroup and decided that the time I don't have my Internet connection is probably the best time to do this. But don't worry, I'll be back in August we new, fresh things to talk about, so don't cry for me too much! By the way, I will be visiting all my friends sites and leaving comments as time permits!

{arf,arf}

Moving Day 4

It's 1:45 AM and I just got back in from moving the second set of things to the new apartment. With this trip, it basically means that I've moved everything for Pebbles that I can fit in my car. I'm almost done with the shredding--just a few more papers to go and we're good...I had that poor shredder running frontways, backways, sideways, any which way I could.

Woe beyond all woes, I called the phone company today to find out when I'll get my DSL and they told me 2 weeks....are they crazy or what? Two weeks? Man can't live without the Internet for two weeks--anyhow, I plan to call them tomorrow and raise hell and see if I can get it sooner--if not, I'll just hold the cable modem thing and see how that can gwaan.

Yep, I'm feeling better about the move... [says the Dog as he takes another sip from his bottle of Smirnoff Ice].

{arf,arf}

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Moving Day 3

Well, I guess I could say that moving day 3 is going pretty well, but I'd be a big liar and would probably get struck down by a bolt of lightning. To tell you the truth, I didn't move anything yesterday (sux to be me) because I was stressed, so I decided to hang with my friend Debbie at a Mexican restaurant (stay away from the bean paste yo!) and then we ended up chilling with a friend of ours from the Congo (Zaire) and her husband. Both of them were really nice and I somehow got roped into doing a website for a small equal rights coalition of which the lady was the president of.

Got home after midnight, spoke to the Good Doctor and Madame Yamfoot briefly then I passed out on the bed and woke up . I was about four minutes late for my teaching this morning, but that's fine--I have it all planned out so that I only teach on Monday and the rest of the week is dedicated to the students sitting around and coding up their projects--the joy of seeing little undergraduate fingers busily tapping away at their keyboards, cherubic faces in deep contemplation as they ponder questions such as
"should I delete the head of the list before I insert the new item?" or "hmmm, I wonder if I forgot to link my new node to the rest of the list" or "sommabitch, the f*in computer ate my assignment!" Ahhh, the joy of teaching an introductory Computer Science class.



I just thought I'd drop this little link for you folks that are into rats (like some of our friends in Greneda). Apparently there is a Rat Lover's Fan Club and from what I read on their website it's pretty big too--with branches across Europe and North America (none in Jamaica though). So, for those of you interested in raising rats, be sure to check out the site and adopt a rat too! [eww, eww, eww]

Now, speaking of rats, I had a most unfortunate experience with one when I was about 15 years old. Now, imagine, I'm sitting at home one night typing away at the computer like a madman when suddenly a rat walks across the room--huge rat too, with massive muscles! In fact, when I saw the rat I understood where the term "gym rat" came from. The rat looked like it could easily take out a few cats without even breaking a sweat (do rats sweat, btw?) and there were some chunks missing from it's tail which might have been an indication that it had survived a few fights with several mousetraps in its day. To be honest, I could've sworn that the rat had a scar over its eye and a scowl on its face.



Well, I decided that no rat should be just strolling across my floor like it owned the place, after all, I was the human here!

Me: Angrily stomps foot on ground.
Rat: Stops and dramatically turns head, scowls at me then resumes walking.
Me: Angrily stomps foot on ground, louder than the first time.
Rat: Stops and dramatically turns head, scowls at me then resumes walking.
Me: Stomping foot repeatedly.
Rat: Turns, looks at me and suddenly bolts forward and hits me squarely on the shin.
Me: Jumps up onto the chair and start shouting for help.
Rat: Scowls at me again and resumes walking.

Now I kid you not, the rat running into my shin hurt like hell people. In fact, my shin was black and blue for a few days well, but I learned my lesson that day still: Never mess with a Jamaican rat, because they have really bad attitudes. I want to see scientist try to run their experiments on our rats and see what happen to them (the scientists)!

{arf,arf}

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Moving Day 1

It's 1:05 AM and I'm still up. Just got back home and am in the process of chugging the remaining just finished chuggin the remaining 0.05 litre of my 2 litre bottle of Sprite. You know, in a way I am sort of happy that I am finally moving out of this bloody apartment...sure, I'll pay a little bit more in the way of rent and utilities, but it's not too bad considering that me and my girlfriend Pebbles will officially be living together, instead of us residing in the same apartment building and running in between each others apartments...sadly, she won't be here to partake of the merriments of moving, since she is home in Spain--oh well, there will be plenty of work for her to do when she gets back in August.

Now, my body isn't in the peak condition it used to be in my earlier years when I was completely into my weights and martial arts, but it still has something left in it and I can still get the lifting job done when it comes to moving stuff, but the stairs in my apartment are going to either kill me or make me get a whole lot stronger. Imagine, 4 flights of stairs to go up every day and night--and we not talking any little dibby dibby (easy) stairs neither, we talking about stairs that make even physically fit people get tired--imagine me who weighing in at 220 lbs.

Anyhow, I was pretty upset about having to walk up and down these stairs taking all manner of things...in fact you know it took me almost 2 hours to load up the car. But you know what, as soon as I got to the other place and started unloading, I was done in less than 15 minutes and the new apartment is really cool--the A/C is kicking like Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Hey, I have a question for you faithul readers, now I'm sort of country and I've never really had a carpeted apartment before (well the bathroom in my apartment before this was carpeted) so I was wonderin if there are any tips that you can give to me regarding how to prevent my furniture from leaving horrible marks in the carpet--any advice is appreciated!

Listen, I need to go to bed, so I will talk to y'all in the lights--oh just in case you're wondering here's the major plan of action for my moving:

Tuesday : Move Computer Books, Bookcase and some of Pebble's stuff. Check.
Wednesday: Move remainder of Pebble's stuff and finish sorting through papers
Thursday : Move kitchen and computer
Friday : Move remainder of small items
Saturday : Move furniture and any other items left behind, clean old apartment
Sunday : Organize new apartment
Monday : Spiderman 2

LOL Notice the first thing that gets moved?

Monday, July 12, 2004

It's Over

Well, my thesis defense is finally over and I'm ready to move on with the rest of my life [I think]. The defense was a smashing success and my committee members were well pleased with my work [though my advisor kept falling asleep during the presentation]...the questions were few and far apart and, overall, I think I did really well. Anyhow, just thought I'd give you all a quick update, I now need to focus my time on packing, class preps, moving, car repair and so on--welcome back to the real world.

{arf,arf}

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Countdown to Defense

Well, it's 7:07 p.m. on Sunday July 11. I spent the major portion of this evening getting my presentation together--I only ran throught it once, but I think I got my timing down to just a bit over 45 minutes. I know I can do better, but I'm really tired of thinking about things.

Don't have much to write today, am going to go out and get myself a nice DQ shake or something then watch TV for a couple of hours to relax myself. Wish me luck! I'll let you all know how it went after the defense tomorrow.

{arf,arf}

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Good News ++

It's almost 3:00pm on a relatively laid-back Saturday afternoon and I decided to take a little break from studying in order to update my blog. Spent a bit of time this morning with my buddy, The Good Doctor, who is now off enjoying some sand, sea and sun (I'm so envious of you it's not even funny!).

Spent a little time talking to Yamfoot online and she reminded me about the One Day International match that was being played between West Indies and New Zeland today. New Zeland made a whopping 266 in 50 overs and the latest score for the West Inidies, according to Cricinfo is that we are on 123/5 with less than 17 overs to go. If you do the math, you'll realize that we need to make about 9 runs per over in order to win. Problem is that we've lost the majority of our high order batsmen ...sigh, the first cricket match I've been interested in for years and we are getting slaughtered. Will post more later once the match is over.

Now, the good news is that I got approval from the Government to work so I'll be getting my card in a few days and all will be well...hmmm, I think this means that I will actually be able to enter the payroll for my job on-time! [crowd cheering wildly].




Hey guys, I came across this news article on MSNBC yesterday where Hungarian researchers have found some correlation between men that carry cellphones in their pockets or on their hips and low sperm count. However, the findings aren't conclusive, as it was pointed out that other factors, such as stress, diet, exercise and so on weren't taken into account during the course of the research.

Now, we've long since heard that cellphones are bad for our brain, they mess up kids and even cause cancer, so I would imagine it would be highly possible for this research to make some degree of sense, although not as solid as it should be. After all, the widespread cellphone explosion is pretty recent and we simply haven't had sufficient time to examine all the health risk (i.e. we are the guinea-pig generation for cellphones). All I can say is that, if this research is true, I am sorry for Jamaican men that are known to carry anywhere from 1 to 6+ cellphones on their person!

{arf,arf}

Friday, July 09, 2004

M.N.H.I.F.A.R

You're probably wondering what the acronymn MNHIFAR means, right? Well, to satiate your curiousity it basically means Me Not Happy Is Friday A Rass. While other friends of mine will be out gallavanting and drinking V/X and other alcoholic beverages (yes, you know yourselves you slackers you!), I am stuck at home contemplating my upcoming exam on Monday. So far, I've gotten over most of the studying--now the question that needs to be asked is whether or not I actually remember anything that I studied, but we pray for the best.

Anyhow, just because I want to scare (or stimulate) some of my readers, I've decided to post the following picture stolen from Christine Envall's website:



This is to serve as a warning to you men that there are still women out there that are bigger, stronger and have better abs than you (right Doc? j/k) and to all you women that lift weights, please don't decide to bench press 500 lbs, squat 1000 lbs or any other sort of craziness. Though I appreciate a well-chiseled physique, I would rather not have a hard time deciding which out of the two of us has better bicep development (especially if the chance of you winning are much better than mine).


Pssst, have you heard about the latest red meat substitute from Australia? It's called Naturoo and, as the name implies, it is made from 100% Kangaroo meat! But guess what, before you laugh you need to consider some of the following things about this new "red" meat:
• low in cholesterol;
• 99% fat free;
• high in iron;
• high in protein;
• has no chemicals or growth hormones;
• a clean and healthy meat;
• produced to the highest world standards;
• quality controlled;

So, my advice to all you high-protein dieters out there is to quit delaying and get your checkbooks, credit cards or shotguns out and get yourself some fresh Kangaroo meat! I really think that this product is going to go places, I mean who among us have not seriously thought about the prospect of gorging on a nice, juicy slab of marsupial meat?

Anyhow, I don't have too much to say today, so I just thought I'd give you a little touch-up for the weekend.

{arf,arf}

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The Things We Do For Extra Credit!

Hi all, hope your day is going well so far, I took today as a bit of a rest day from studying since I found that I was getting more and more stressed with the volume of work I have to cover, but we'll be back at it again tomorrow! 3 more days to defense!

I was looking through some old undergrad papers that I did for different classes and came up with a real beauty from a sociology course I took several years ago. At that time, I was the poor undergraduate computer science major that had a very limited budget and was just barely able to survive on tuna and ramen noodles. The paper I found was an experiment that we had to do (for extra credit) where we had to live on $15 US or $900 Jamaican for a week. Let me tell you, I used to have it bad for food as an undergrad and I knew what it was like to be hungry! But this experiment was the worst that I had ever done and I must say that I truly did appreciate my country even more after this, because even with as much poverty as we have a man or woman can live off the land if he/she has to and I, personally, didn't know hunger until I came to the US.



Grocery List: Sunday November 26, 2000

Orange Juice (Giant Eagle brand)…………………………………………………$3.79
Skim Milk (Giant Eagle brand)……………………………………………………$2.49
1 l b Garden Salad…………………………………………………………………$1.69
18 Pack Large Eggs……………………………………………………………….$1.27
Beef Bologna……………………………………………………………………..$3.39
Bananas…………………………………………………………………………..$1.50
Sub-Total.………………………………………………………………………..$14.13
Tax……………………………………………………………………………….$0.70
Total……………………………………………………………………………..$14.83

Day 1: Monday November 27, 2000

Breakfast
2 eggs, boiled
1 Banana
1 Glass Orange Juice
Feelings: Generally, I prefer to have my eggs fried or scrambled, unfortunately, I had run out of money before I was able to purchase cooking oil or butter. I felt pretty good on my ay to class, this is probably due to the fact that I am used to eating a very light breakfast.

Lunch
None.
Feelings: I didn’t have time to return home from work to get my lunch and, because I didn’t have any more money to buy bread on Sunday, I couldn’t take a sandwich to work with me…. It was going to be a long day!

Dinner
3 egg whites
1 Large serving of Garden Salad
1 Banana
Feelings: This is definitely the weirdest dinner I’ve ever had as a student (not even my Tuna and Ramen Noodle obsession of a semester ago could compare).

Late night snack
1/4 gallon of milk
Feelings: It’s about midnight, and I’m trying to study, but my stomach is telling me an entirely different story. I go to the cupboard to look for my favorite snack (Oreo cookies), and the only problem is that there are no Oreo cookies. So, I do the most logical thing—open the refrigerator and grab the first thing in sight, my milk. After fortifying myself with 1/4 of the bottle, I feel ready to attempt to study again.

Day 2: Tuesday November 28, 2000
Breakfast
4 eggs, boiled
1 Banana
4 slices Beef Bologna
1 Glass Milk
Feelings: It’s 9:45am on Tuesday morning and I am hungry. Sad to say, I couldn’t study last night. Dancing Oreo cookies haunted my dreams, and I am not a very happy person. At this point, I am regretting doing this extra credit assignment, and I seriously doubt that XXX is truly our friend!

Lunch
None (again).
Feelings: I’m beginning to really hate my life, and spending the morning in Dr. XXXX Anthropology class really didn’t help me to feel any better about my situation. I’m at work and I am in really bad shape, I’m pretty much snarling at everyone around me—a friend offers me candy, but the “Do not feed the Dog” sign is prominently displayed on my forehead.

Dinner
Garden Salad
Bologna Slices
A whole lot of milk
Feelings: @#$%^^$#@#$$%

Late Night Snack
The remainder of my milk.
Feelings: OK, now I know that by killing the remainder of my milk supply, I have lost one of my important sources of protein—great going, now all I have for protein is eggs.


Day 3: Wednesday November 29, 2000
Breakfast
None.
Feelings: I’m running late for SOCIOLOGY class because I overslept (maybe because I haven’t really eaten anything for the past two days), and you can just imagine how thrilled I am to see XXXX’s smiling face. The fact that I live right above Café of XXXX doesn’t really help my mood very much at this point either.

Lunch
All my bologna
My last two fingers of banana
All of my orange juice
All of my vegetables
Feelings: OK, so by now I’m frustrated AND hungry. I come back home after class and EAT practically everything that I can find…my stomach doesn’t seem to be very happy with me at this point, but I feel good that I binged. I make it to work, but I don’t think my co-workers are very happy to see me right now.

Dinner
9 egg whites (you wouldn’t believe how depraved I feel right now!)
4 glasses of water
Feelings: OK, I know that I needed protein, therefore, I did the only logical thing (a trick from the days when I was involved in bodybuilding). By boiling the eggs, and dumping the yolks, I have a good source of protein. Mark you, it is tasteless, but it keeps me alive. I’d love to say more, but I don’t think the person reading my paper would care to know all that brews in my mind at this point.

Late Night Snack
Yeah, right.
Feelings: Don’t ask, I won’t tell!

Day 4: Thursday November 30, 2000
Breakfast
The heck with this project! I’m going to the bank, withdrawing some money and going to Subway!

Lunch
Café of XXXX has a very lovely lunch buffet for only $5.95

Dinner

Café of XXXX has a very lovely dinner buffet tonight.

Summary
The last three days have been very difficult. I look at Thursday, and realize that the food that I had eaten at the restaurants cost me more than I had tried to survive on in the past three days. In my opinion, it is very difficult (albeit impossible) for a person to live on $15.00 per week for an extended period of time. This experience has really taught me a great deal about the severity of poverty that exists in the USA today. I used to think that I had it hard as a student, but now I know that I haven’t even come close to living hard!


{arf,arf}

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Them Cheating Women!!!

Hey all, hope everyone is having a great day so far--I know I am! For some reason, I feel a bit more relaxed today than I did yesterday. Anyhow, I was reading an article on MSN a few minutes ago about the dynamics of why married women cheat on their significant others. Well, I tell you what folks, it has me scared out of my mind (even though I'm not married). From the indications of the article, it turns out that a lot of married women find their relationship to be quite lacking and often look for these missing aspects in co-workers, the grocery store attendant, the Internet chat room "buddy", the mailman, and so on. It's also important to note that most of the women that do cheat tend to have husband with jobs that tend to be very demanding and stressful. As a result, they might not be as intimate and sensitive to the needs of their women as they should/could/used to be--I can relate, cause sometimes when I come home from work or school, the last thing on my mind is sitting down and cuddling with my girlfriend...especially if I had a stressful day!

At any rate, the whole article made me sort of think about the things that I could do to keep my girlfriend/wife/significant other happy and prevent her from wanting to find comfort in the arms of a stranger:

1. Go to the damn gym! A healthy body is a sexy body is a stress-tolerant body!

2. Make time for your girl. Whether its an evening of dancing and romance, lounging
on the couch, or whatever--just make sure that you make time for the special lady in your life.

3. Be the Master of Surprises. Most women like pleasant surprises, wheter its a bouquet of flowers at work, a surprise weekend trip to the beach...make sure that you make her [and your] life exciting.

4. Learn to Cook! In my experience, most girls seem to find it impressive when a guy knows his way around a kitchen...so you want to make sure that, even if you're not Emeril, you can use more than the microwave in the kitchen [it also never hurts to have a dish that you make special for her and surprise her with it only on rare occasions].

5. Be sure to emphasize her beauty. Most women like to know that there man finds them attractive...be sure to let her know from time to time--it's amazing how far a small compliment can go.

6. Listen, Listen, Listen. Everyone likes to be heard, but not everyone likes to listen...be sure that you are listening to your lady (and not just hearing) and never be too quick to start griping about your own problems--her problems are as important as yours too you know!

7. Know your lady's likes and dislikes. OK, this is more or less obvious still, if you know that your girlfriend or wife doesn't like your smelly gym bag lying around in the bedroom stinking up the place, don't do it! Be sensitive to her needs. Also, if she has some unusual romance/sex fantasies [within reason for you] try to indulge it.

8. Dedicate one night as "Us night". The way I see it, sometimes you need to have a special night just dedicated to the two of you. You know, the kind of night where you get your groove on and just let it all hang out ;).

9. Don't be afraid to be "one of the girls". This is sort of cool, but not to be done too often, I've found that it appeals to some women if their guy actually gets along with their female friends--I've never quite understood why, but some women are actually receptive to a guy in their midst that they find harmless and it makes for good discussion of the differences/similarities between both sexes. Trust me, you can learn a lot! Of course, you don't want to be too much of a girls guy--after all, you still have to be a man the next day!

10. If your girl likes shopping or chick flicks indulge her. Yes, I know, most men don't like things like shopping, chick flicks, the Golden Girls, and so on. But, if you suck it up and indulge her once in a while--what's the harm of going to the mall with her and watching her try on clothes [hint: if it's a store like Sears, you can actually drift off to go look at tools, electronics, etc. while she looks for stuff to try on!].

Anyhow, I don't attest to being a master of relationships, but I figure that these few commonsense things might actually make sense, if not, then hit me up and tell me what the right way is, though I know that those things have worked for me in the past--what's your secret?

{arf,arf}

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

The Countdown

Anxiety. Stress. Fear. These are the emotions that have become my companions over the past few weeks. I'm anxious about moving, stressed about my thesis defense and fearful that my committee will think that I'm a fraud and that the crux of my research is bullshit. I've never really been nervous about defending my skills or work before, but the magnitude of this defense seems so much greater than anything I've ever faced before in my entire life...there just seems to be too many things at stake if I do not do well. To be honest though, I feel more confident as the hours go by and I think that the more I revise for the coursework exam portion of my defense, the more my confidence grows. Let us just pray that I will find the strength and courage to stand against the onslaught of questions that my committee will throw at me. Lord, I pray that you grant me the strength to rise above this trial by fire...

OK, let's not really think about stuff that are too personal or somber. I want my blog to be fun, informative and thought-provoking...not a mundane monologue that I write to glorify myself...besides, there is just too much weirdness in the world that must be brought out into the light on these pages. For instance:


My Summer '04 T-Shirt


Ok, I liked the T-Shirt and I just thought I'd plug it just for fun--don't be too surprised if you see me walking off the plane this Christmas with a T-Shirt like that! Anyhow, speaking of clothing, I was getting my regular dose of Fark this morning and came across one of the strangest articles ever. Apparently, some dude in Columbus, Ohio got arrested for trying to steal a pair of socks from an 11-year old kid! Go figure, it turns out that this guy had some sort of weird adolescent sock fetish thing going on because when the police raided his house they found over 500 pairs of boys socks...what the hell!

Speaking of socks, I remember when I lived in Jamaica, my grandmother used to wash our clothes and hang it out on the line (not like here where everybody and their dog sporting a washer and dryer!). Well, it turns out that sometimes a few items of my wardrobe would come up missing, usually shirts and briefs. During that time, my grandmother used to hold frequent conversations with the gardner that worked for some ladies (my grandmother's mortal enemies) that used to live behind us [and who made our lives miserable with all the stuff they used to burn in their backyard]. Well, this gardner was a self-professed minister and would always want to have "prayer meetings" with my grandma. Well, one day, I saw him coming down the road in a T-Shirt that looked vaugely familiar...lo and behold it was my purple Harley Davidson T-Shirt, a ha so I finally found the clothes thief! Well, I saw him a few more times and every now and then he would be wearing one of my shirts. Didn't really say anything to the man, just let it go.

Well, it comes to pass that I'm sitting in a bus one day and said minister walks in [sporting one of my shirts] and begin launching into this huge sermon about the evils of man and how we are inherently wicked, covetious and damn tief. Of course, I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I blurted out "yes, it's true pastor, some times people even go to church and testify in ill-begotten shirt and brief that they steal from their neighbours clotheslines, oh yes!" People, I tell you that I have never seen a black man blush so hard in all my life! The man was so embarrased that he didn't even wait for the hat he was passing around for collection to come back, he just hopped off the bus at the very next stop and that was the last I saw of him.

You know, looking back at that experience though, I really wonder if I did the right thing embarrasing the man in public like that...why did I not confront him about it when I had the chance to do so, without making a mockery of his message? I guess maybe I was pretty young at the time and the man was obviously in need of clothing if he was willing to steal a young boy's garments...I guess it just boils down to the fact that I can't stand hypocrites who tell you one thing to your face and then do the complete opposite behind your back...it just ain't right!

Well, I think I'm going to end this blog here now still, I thrive on the comments of my readers and, with the exception of Dr. D and Mad Bull, I'm not sure if anyone is reading this mess. If you appreciate my stories and such, just drop me a line to say hi nuh! After all, I am Jamaican and I do thrive on feeling the warmth of people! And if it's fleas, ticks or rabies you're worried about, don't be...I've gotten all my shots and I do take 2 - 3 showers per day!

{arf,arf}

Sunday, July 04, 2004

The End...

No, no, no...it's not the end of my blog! [In fact, we've only just got started!]. I've been so bored lately, though I know that I really need to get cracking with the studying thing for my final defense, but I've succeeded in surfing to the end of the Internet! Yes, you've guessed it, I've seen every page on the Internet and have reached the very end. Now the major question is what am I going to do with the rest of my life, now that the Internet is no more of a challenge for me.

Well, I was thinking of taking all the knowledge I gained over the years of web surfing and using it to build a really evil killer cyborg thingy that looks like Condoleeza Rice....but nah, I think the world only has enough space for one evil, killer cyborg thingy named Condoleeza.



Hmmm, what else could I do with my spare time, now that there is no more Internet? Well, another thought that crossed my mind was that I could study law and polit(r)ic(k)s and run for president of the US--problem is that they might realize that I'm not a white, ivy league, polo playing, super-rich American. But I think the country could do well with an illegal alien president from Jamaica [no, my platform will not be based on legalizing pot...Jamaicans aren't all about weed you know!].



What else could I do? Hmmm, I have no clue! Does anyone out there have any suggestions for me?

Disclaimer: I apologize if this blog sounds phucking crazy, but it's very hot and I'm not responsible for anything I say or do under these extreme temperatures--God I love the fact that my new apartment has central air!

{arf,arf}

Saturday, July 03, 2004

A Reason to Bark

Saturday morning and I'm not suffering from a hangover...incredible! I guess it has a little bit to do with the fact that I didn't drink anything last night, except for a cup of hot coca. I'm a bit hungry though, since I spent too much time chatting with my friends and not enough time focusing on getting dinner. The good news is that my loan got approved, so I should have enough funds to survive until my job starts paying me! God is truly a good God.

Well, aside from that, I don't have very much to report right now in my personal life. I guess the only thing of consequence right now is the fact that my thesis defense is in another 10 days and I'm yet to begin studying, but not to worry, I'm going to do some hardcore studying today as soon as I get some food in my stomach.

Found a really interesting article on Fark this morning about those crazy Australians. Imagine, some burglars break into a house and steal a bunch of valuable stuff as well as a large urn of powder that they thought was a drug. Of course, the fools decided to snort the drug, not thinking that it could have been the remains of a person until AFTER the fact...it turns out that it was the remains of the family's pet goat!



In other news, the biggest buzz around the world lately has been the trial of Saddam Hussein. Now, I was talking to a friend of mine from Kuwait yesterday and she's pissed, cause apparently Saddam is accusing them of turning Iraqi women of being prostitutes. To add to the drama, I heard that Hussein is even saying that GWB is the real criminal that should be put on trial and he's the innocent...yeah, right. Turns out that Hussein is even getting Moammar Gadhafi's daughter as a part of his defense team. Go figure, after all the atrocities he's been accused of doing to women, a woman is going to be his defense attorney [the bitter ironies of life]. As far as I see it, no matter how good Hussein's defense team is, he's going to be found guilty--otherwise the legal system is even more flawed than we thought it was.

Hey, speaking of this and that, I'm really concerned that Bill Cosby is getting senile in his old age or something! In this article it turns out that he went off on another tirade against the black community recently at a conference he was invited to be the guest speaker. Now, the fact is that a lot of the things he said really did make sense, but to denonuce the grammar that african-americans used (i.e. ebonics) saying that because they can't speak proper English they'd never become doctors or lawyers...what's up with that? Dude, get a clue, just because someone speaks ebonics doesn't mean that they aren't intelligent. Like I said, some of the things that Cosby said is true, but the way he says it almost makes it seem as if he's ashamed of being black. White men beat their wives also, white people are on welfare too and, yes, there is a lot of uneducated white folks out there "Dr." Cosby. Somehow, Cosby's argument pisses me off because you get the feeling that the millions of dollars he's earned in his lifetime has desensitized him to the plight of the black man in America.



Recently, Cosby even lashed out against his famous creation, Fat Albert. Apparently, he said to an audiece of several thousand that Fat Albert was an obese disgrace that was more deserving of our contempt than our laughter--ummm, Mr. Cosby, wasn't Fat Albert your creation and didn't you do his voice and didn't he make you really popular? I don't know what is up with the dude, I think he's still pissed off about his son being murdererd a couple years back, but I don't see why he should take out his self-loathing and anger on the black community and innocent cartoon characters like Fat Albert. To be completely honest, I loved watching Fat Albert as a kid and, because I was overweight myself, I could really a lot better to the character and he made me feel better about my condition. Way to go Cosby, you've just lost me as a fan for sure!

{arf,arf}