Monday, July 26, 2004

What If Osama Come to Jamaica

Greetings to all my brethrens, sistrens, dogdrens, pussdrens, etc. Now from the title of the post you are probably wondering what the hell the Angry Dog have under him collar this morning to share with you. Well, I was reading Mad Bull's blog a while ago and he was talking about the US embassy moving to Barbican [very close to my home in Jamaica, I might add]. He was talking about this idea put forth by a local commentator [and former high school teacher of mine], one Mr. Michael Burke. Burke's idea was simply to put the embassy on a little island offshore and have the US provide a ferry service to said embassy. Well, I don't know how plausible that is still, but I doubt Uncle Sam cares that much about Jamaica to provide a service like that.

Anyhow, check it out, the article and Mad Bull's comment made me wonder what would happen if the ol' dutty Taliban ever try to come to Jamaica and, yes, I've once again created a list of the reasons why they wouldn't be very successful if they tried:


  • 1. It is common knowledge that Jamaicans, in general, have an innate knowledge of the use of weapons. As children, we are taught to peel oranges with very sharp knives, as adults we learn to use machetes to chop things like coconuts as well as for gardening, therefore our skills are second to none. Just ask my grandmother [God rest her soul] how she knew how to throw an unbalanced kitchen knife into a door, just inches away from my grandfather's ear--she'd never done it before, but it's just a natural thing.


  • 2. Our police and soldiers are extremely good marksmen. The rapid increase in the criminal element in the country has lead to a rise in the bullet to criminal ratio, as a result, our defense force must ensure that each and every bullet counts and the Taliban would not stand a chance against a highly-trained defense force skilled in urban anti-terrorism! Jamaican Indians, be careful though, because you might "accidentaly" get shot by some overzealous members of the defense force and end up with a gun in your hand or a bomb strapped to your body.


  • 3. Elephant Man would come up with a dance and a song that will be used as a part of the international anti-al Qaeda campaign: "Load up and shat dung Taliban".


  • 4. In times of crisis [like this one] the Rastafarian community will rise up from every nook, cranny and mountaintop and come marching against Osama and his crew with their weapons of mass destruction [i.e. stick, bottle, stone, cutlass, etc]. Besides, the dreads would be most adept at night combat against the enemy, since the weed would have helped to develop extremely poweful night vision. Don't even think for a minute that the Rastafarians are only in the business of making mats and brooms...you ever see a fat dread yet? No sir, they up in the hills practicing their special brand of military combat tactics!


  • 5. Bad to bad, even the gunmen would rise up against the Taliban--after all, who more cold hearted than Jamaica's own homegrown badmen? It is anticipated that they would cancel each other out, thereby ending Bin Ladin's reign of terror on the world and the evil of our gunmen and drug dealers.


  • 6. Hmmm, probably the PNP and JLP will be wiped out and the Natural Law Party will take over leadership of the country. For those of you that don't know about the Natural Law Party, it was a political party that had formed a few years ago by some religious folks--I don't remember if they were B'ahai or just really into yoga, but their whole thing was that all of Jamaica's problems could be solved by something called Transcendental Meditation...kiss mi rass, imagine gunman and tief a meditate to backside!


  • 7. After seeing the sexy body women, alcohol, weed, good food and music that the country has to offer, the enemy forces will be severely depleted by soldiers who wish to defect and become yardies--what better way to destroy a man's religious fanatisicm by exposing him to a "big batty gyal", a finger of whites and a spliff...wuss when dem all smell di succulent roast pork pon di drum pan!


  • 8. If you can convince the majority of Jamaicans that Taliban really means "battyman" then you can rest assured that Osama and his boys will get the $#!+ beat out of them, cause u dun know that if you want to incite a violent mob, just make sure that you use the terms "batty man" or "chi chi man" against someone.



Hey, incidentally, how many of you know that there are/were more parties outside of the PNP, JLP and NDM? In fact, according to this list provided by the electoral office, there are about 24 other parties! Wow! Anyhow, I've said my little piece now, so I am headed off to bed! Hope y'all have a wonderful day and we will talk again sometime soon. Chao!

{arf,arf}

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