Reflections

Yesterday I spent a good portion of the afternoon pondering my life thus far. I usually don't allow myself the luxury of reflecting on the past or gazing too deeply into the future, simply because I am too focused on eeking out a meager existence for myself in the here and now. Yes, this is vintage me, living life by the second, content to let the winds of destiny take me in whichever direction they may please. Thus far, this lifestyle have yielded marginally impressive results: a Bachelors and a Masters degree in Computer Science, a good job as a college professor, and an enviable amount of work experience in a variety of areas.

Somewhere between last August and yesterday morning all that changed. I don't know whether it is because of the great responsibility of educating young minds that I've been charged with or the fact that my younger brother is just a few months away from beginning his college career or because I'm in a stable relationship or a combination of all these factors, but I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the same wild, reckless, carefree teenager or fiercely independent early 20-something with just a little bit too much street smarts and a little bit too much to prove to the world. Nope, I guess you can say that I've mellowed out or have become more mature if you please, but the fact still remains that I've lost a lot of the "edge" that I've had in earlier days...and you know what, I'm happy.

Right now I don't feel the need to be wild and reckless, nor do I feel that I have to prove myself to the rest of the world. I was never a "rude bwoy" or a "thug", but I knew what it was like to be "hard": street smart, mentally tough, rugged. I am the product of the society that I grew up in, my familial situation in those days, and the way I used the streets as an escape from the sorrow and bitterness of a stressful childhood. I remember those days, and I am thankful for them...for they've imbued me with the confidence and the abilities to survive harsh situations, physically and mentally, that would cause the average person to fall flat on their face. My life has made me into a survivor, but now I can love and laugh and live. I no longer have to be skeptical or wary of being happy, and I can smile without feeling that I'm wearing a mask. Thank God for being there for me and blessing me with the opportunity to survive and flourish. I could've died a long time ago, but He's kept me going, and I thank Him for that.

Now I'm looking into my future. For the first time in many years I'm debt free and financially independent. I know that I have to take better care of myself in the finance department and I think I'm doing much better. I guess I finally found my niche in life and things will hopefully only go upwards from here, God willing. For the sake of my younger brother, I've vowed to work even harder at my career, since I'm committed to paying his college expenses later this year. Like my father had done before, I now do for him, and I finally see that I have to plan for my future in order to ensure the security of his future. No problem still, I've actually budgeted for that and he'll have his school fee come August or September. The only question left now is whether I'll be earning the money using my mind (i.e. teaching summer classes) or my body (i.e. working construction)...it's wonderful to have choices!

Comments

Anonymous said…
nice post. I usued to do alot of that sort of thinking but I'm moved away from it partly because it was sometims worrying and partially because its been hectic and I find less and less time for it. However its always good to be able to look at where you're at what you've been through and what the future holds. hmm maybe your post will get me thinking about that stuff again. Thanks
Angry Dog said…
Hi Anonymous, glad my post got you thinking again. Sometimes its good to take time out of life and take stock of yourself, as long as we don't do it too often!

Hi Sunshine, thanks for the compliments (I'm not worthy!) and yes, wedding bells are in the air, but not for me! My younger cousin just got engaged the other day :).
Anonymous said…
Sounds like the man is growing/has grown! Thats what lifes all about, progress... congrats, rude yute.

Mad Bull
Stu said…
You know...if Pebbles reads this she will be asking herself...then why the hell hasn't he asked me to marry him!! Actually, I thought that was were the post was going to end.
Angry Dog said…
Hey MB, thanks for the encouragement :). Stu, no, I never said anything about marriage still, careful you don't get me in trouble now you know!
Campfyah said…
Nice post. We all go through these periods in our lives. At least you are thinking and on to something. Some people go through life not have a clue.
Maturity is a good sign. It sures that you have moved on and learn from past experiences. Don't want to be stuck in a rut. You made some points that I can relate to about being a product of your environment, but not letting that environment get the best of you. Keep o thinking and live, love, laughter,,,,
Anonymous said…
Hmmm....introspective Dog.

Let's say, in life the way I see it, the only person you really need to prove anything to is yourself and God. Not to say you may not care about what others think, but sometimes, if you're not careful, one can go through life trying to please others and neglecting the self.

Good that you can look back at the past and think about what's to come. We all should do that from time to time as it helps to give us direction. I've made a few career decisions myself in the last few weeks.

Anyway, the most important part of your post that got me is that you say you're debt free...wikid iyah! Now, since you nuh owe nobody nuh money....(fine print, whispering) ....me have a credit cyard weh a run a likkle balance dat ida like pay off still....(this Dog have nuff intelligence....I know seh him can read between de lines!) ;-)

Stay cool rude bwoy! Dr. D.
Anonymous said…
BTW, somehow me nuh see you a mix cement or buss nuh sweat pon nuh construction site! Dr. D.
Jdid said…
sorry dog, first post was mine, doan kno why um show up as anonymous
Scratchie said…
Hi Doggy I posted yesterday but Blogger seems to have preferred to keep my brilliance to itself. Anyway I think that each stage in our life is a learning part of what makes us ourselves. We amass these experiences and live through these circumstances which help us to better appreciate the people we become. I am doing more now for my children than my father could do for me, not for not wanting to but rather not being able to afford to. Somehow I can sense what he wanted for us and this grows as it gets handed down the generation.
I hope your brother makes good use of the opportunity you will ensure he has. It's not uncommon for this younger generation to take what is provided for granted.
Desiree said…
Hiya Mad Dog... .well that debt free line caught my interest --- what a feeling it must be. Hubby and I owe quite a bit yet on the house, other than that we have managed to get to the debt-free place in life, and I do so like it.

I've been starting to think to the future beyond our child-raising years and thinking of what we'll need for retirement. It seems to me that we haven't put enough in that direction, so that is becoming a goal now, to direct more in that direction and not enjoy it all for only the present.

Your younger brother is lucky to have a caring and dedicated older brother to help guide and support him. ^5 to you.
Stu said…
I'm just saying...you're quite a catch at this point, who wouldn't want to marry you!
Yamfoot said…
I'd say go for the construction. You will lose a lot of weight that way and I'm sure it pays better.


Did I hear you say debt-free? So you're hitting the gym on monday, right?