Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Letter to Halle Berry

Letter to Halle Berry
Dear Ms. Berry:
You don't know me and, as luck would have it, I don't know you either. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce myself to you--my name is Angry Dog and I am a living, breathing, marginally impoverished Caribbean male . I have been a fan of yours ever since you starred alongside Samuel L. Jackson in Jungle Fever. I must say you were the most beautiful crack-head I've ever seen.

I laughed with you in B.A.P.S [though I'm not sure if I should have], I cried with you in Monster's Ball [though I must admit that the love scenes with Billy-Bob were a bit nauseating], and I drooled over you in Swordfish and Die Another Day. So you see, I've developed somewhat of an "actor-viewer" relationship with you over the past few years.

Now Ms. Berry, I was terribly saddened in 1996 when you went through a painful and violent divorce with David Justice. And, today, I was saddened even more to hear about your divorce from Eric Benet. It is shameful that a woman as lovely as yourself must be subject to men who turned out to be wife beaters and cheaters. Upon careful consideration of your situation, Madam, I recommend that you read a certain book by a Ms. Terry McMillan [the movie wasn't so good, Taye Diggs had a horrible Jamaican accent--though Angela Basset was quite lovely] entitled "How Stella Got Her Groove Back".

The reason for recommending this book is because I believe therein lies your answers to relationship bliss. From my astute observations of American males, particularly celebrities, I have come to the realization that the vast majority of them tend to be, in short, uptight, pigs, dogs, scoundrels, and narcissicts. As such, I strongly recommmend for you to take a little vacation in the calm, laid-back tropical paradise of Jamaica. There you might find yourself perhaps taking a liking to some young Jamaican man with a bright smile and a simplistic view of the world.

The reason for making a suggestion as this is due to several major characteristics of Jamaican men that may not be known to the world:
1. In general, we never mistreat our abuse women because our women will fight back ten times harder even if we tried.

2. There is no guarantee that we will not cheat on you, after all, we do love our women dearly. But we will give you prior notice of our actions and determine if it is acceptable with you for us to conduct our activities.

3. Children generally get along well with us and we usually like their company, we will never be caught dead dangling them from windows for the world to see!

4. One of our most popular phrases is "No Problem" because we realize that life is much simpler than people tend to make it out to be. For instance, it is very difficult for a Jamaican male to worry about his car, house, and money problems if he has neither car, house, nor money. No Problem!

5. Finally, as stated previously, we believe that women must be treated as Queens; therefore, no matter how much money you make, you will always find the true, good Jamaican male offering to pay for you if you and he go out together...even if it means that he will not be able to pay this month's rent--is it really so easy to find that degree of generosity in Hollywood?

So, in conclusion Ms. Berry, I implore you to visit Jamaica and explore the bounty of good men that live in this small island--I guarantee that you will never have a dull moment in a country where even the average man is extraordinary by world standards.

Yours Truly,
Angry Dog


Legend of Bobst Boy

Hmmm, what was I going to talk about again? Oh yeah, that's right. I was recently surfing around on the MSNBC web site and came across an interesting article about this college kid that lived in the sub-basement of the Bobst Library at New York University (NYU) for almost eight months. Turns out the resourceful young man just couldn't afford to pay living expenses, even with 4 jobs and a full scholarship! [oh the high price of an American education]. He even set up a website about his plight and became somewhat of a campus hero. I must say my hat goes of to Bobst Boy for living the way he did, washing up in the bathrooms, taking showers at friends apartments, and storing his clothes in lockers.

Hmmm, gives me my own ideas about moving out of my own apartment and moving into the fitness center they have at my school--I could live ten times better than Bobst Boy and I could even have my own shower room, swimming pool, central heating and a/c, gym, and so on. At any rate, the part about the article that I found most interesting was that NYU officials discovered the web site and decided to take action, so they put the kid in a free dorm and every thing seems honky dory. Though I do applaud the intentions of the university and I'm really happy that Bobst Boy has found a home, I must question the actions of the university [after all, I am the Angry Dog].

See, I figure that the real reason why Bobst Boy got a home was because the university didn't want to be seen in an unfavorable light, so to save themself the embarrasment they decided to make special accomodations for Bobst Boy and look really really cool in the process. Well, the way I see it, they've just set a new precedent and I believe that they should extend this type of assistance to each and every student who show evidence that they cannot sustain the high cost of university housing. In that light, I'd be really really curious to see how other universities would respond to this; would they also have "poor student" housing as well? I'd be totally in favor of this type of scenario myself, because I know the horrors of student housing and I totally agree with the university making some kind of arrangments to help us out!

{arf, arf}

Monday, April 26, 2004

Guys' Guy v. Metrosexual Man

I was working on my car this afternoon [you know, the regular stuff, check belts and hoses, fluid levels, tires, tranny] and, after about half an hour of fiddling around I finally got everything done. Proudly, I looked at my oil-smudged hands and dirty fingernails and thought to myself, "I am man, hear me roar!!!" A few hours later, I was sitting around talking to my buddy online when something suddenly hit me, "Geesh, I really haven't washed my hands or cleaned my nails since I finished working on the car, have I?" So, I proceeded to use some cleansing product on my hands, then I used some moisturizing product.

After a little while, I realized my face was looking a little dull, so I used some more product on my face to bring out the natural bold radiance of my ebony skin. Suddenly, it hit me, since when did I take to calling soap, lotion, and face wash "product"???? Damn you Queer Eye and What Not To Wear for bringing terms like "product", "juge", "dull", and "flattering" into my vocabulary!

OK, I admit, I'm the average [Jamaican] guy. I like to smell good, I like to look good, I take at least two showers a day, and I like to chat and hang out with women as much as men [though I must admit that, if given a choice, I'd have to say that I prefer to spend more time with women...hey, I'm Jamaican!]. However, the problem that I have is that American media seems to be obsessed with the idea of men being "Guys' Guys" or "Metrosexual Men". Frankly, I must say that I don't like either of them one bit.

Let's talk about the Metrosexuals first. Well, these are guys who may be straight or gay, but you can never tell because they're into things that are generally considered to be a part of the "gay domain" such as dressing fashionably, taking cair of their hair, skin, and nails, and actually enjoy shopping. In short, Metrosexuals claim to be in touch with their feminine side [though sometimes they can get TOO MUCH in touch with their feminine side, i.e. David Beckham]. In my opinion, I see Metrosexuals as pompous, narcissistic bastards that spend too much time trying to look prettier than their girlfriends.

OK, now my intention is not to take sides with either stereotype, so I'm going to lash out at the "Guys' Guys" Now, American media would like you to believe that shows like Straight Plan for the Gay Man and The Man Show attempt to cast "real men" as beer binging slobs that spend their time eating tons of totally unhealthy meat [barbecued of course] and lusting over scantily clad augmented women. These guys don't care about fashion and that sort of trivial stuff, nooooo, for them smelling bad, wearing the same underwear multiple days, and having no manners with respect to their release of bodily gases and fluids is perfectly acceptable because it is the "manly" thing to do.

Hmmm, with those opposing and chaotic views of men, no wonder American boys have so many problems finding decent male role models and women are so dissatisfied with the men they are with. So, I offer to the world a third type of persona that I will refer to as the elam male. OK, so the elam male is some sort of a fusion between the "Metrosexual" and the "Guy's Guy" and some of his general characteristics are:

1. He knows the value of good hygeine, but he doesn't have to go overboard on using all sorts of strange "products" or ignoring hygeine altogether.

2. He knows how to cook more than just barbecued ribs, though he's not quite pre-disposed to making exotic sounding things like "pates" or "ratatouille". He also knows that "mousse" is just pudding.

3. He knows that makeup and nailpolish only belong on the faces and fingers of women.

4. He is capable of taking a shower that lasts longer than five minutes and is not necessarily disappointed if he misses his weekly tanning and hair removal appointment.

5. He knows how to get down and dirty when it comes to working with his tools, but he also knows that "down and dirty" doesn't have to be a permanent state...after all there does exist something called a shower and a little thing made out of lard called soap.

6. He doesn't have to spend a fortune on getting his teeth whitened, but at least he knows the basics of brusing and flossing.

7. He is sensitive to the emotions and needs of his woman, but he doesn't need to become "one of the girls" to relate to her!

8. He doesn't need to know how to pronounce words like Gucci, Prada, and he doesn't need to know what FCUK stands for--but he needs to know that you do not wear Nike Air with a suit and casually elegant doesn't mean jeans shorts and a "wife beater".

9. He is concerned about his health, but not to the point where he has to worry if any excess thing he eats is going to shatter his "perfect" 28" waist and washboard abs.

10. Though it is a liberated world, it would help if he sees a woman struggling with something [like moving a desk by herself or balancing an armfull of papers and trying to press an elevator button with the tip of her shoe] and be able to offer her some assistance!

So, all in all, I think my elam male would be a good idea because he tries to give women what they want and not being too much into themselves!!!

{arf, arf}

The Smurf Conspiracy

As a child of the 80's and 90's I grew up with the Smurfs. You know, those adorable little blue bipeds that lived in mushrooms, claimed to be "three apples high", and were always "smurfing" themselves, each other, and everything else around them. Well, I was shocked to recently learn that the Smurfs were actually Communist--I mean, I should've seen it before, but my fragile little 8-year old mind just wouldn't let me see it [maybe because I didn't even know what politricks...err politics was].

First of all, I did some research from a very "reliable" source and the first thing I discovered that Smurf is actually an acronym for "Socialist Men Under Red Father. Makes sense, because most of the Smurfs were men [Smurfette and the Smurflings came along waaaayyyy later] and Papa Smurf did indeed wear red, which is the offical color that we associate with Communism.

Next, I considered the fact that all Smurfs were more or less equal, they dressed the same, looked pretty much the same, and shared everything...which again is the main point of Communism, communal property and division of labor.

Hmmm, am I convincing you yet? Well, think about the two most despised Smurfs in the entire show "Greedy" and "Vanity" ever wonder why they were so hated? well, think about it...greed tends to be two major attributes of Capitalist societies according to Communism. Also, it is painfully obvious that Vanity was a smurfing homosexual and in Communist societies it was taught that homosexuality was not tolerable in society [or so my source claims].

Now let's think about Gargamel as the symbol of Capitalism. He always wanted to catch the Smurfs and boil them and turn them into gold...hmmmm, sorta symbolic isn't it? Evil bastard who wants to make money out of everything??? Azrael, Gargamel's trusty cat, may have been a representative for the greedy "fat cat" American politicians...sounds pretty convincing.

OK, I know I'm rambling again and I tend to talk a lot of crap in this blog, but hey, I gotta have fun too!!!

{arf, arf}

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Gonna get me 5 $25 eMac PCs!!! + Other Rambling

$25 eMac PCs??? Gimme Gimme!!!
I found a really interesting article on this morning. It turns out that a Japanese company accidentally offered Apple eMac PCs for $25 on their web site recently! I guess there was some mix up with the product code for the computers, but it turns out the site got orders from around 20,000 people ordering 100 million eMacs!!! Sadly, the company wasn't able to fulfill the orders [like, duh]. You can see the full details of the story on PCWorld's site. Heck, I don't blame those people ordering that many Macs, heck I'd probaby order me about 100 of them myself and hand them out to people like Nino Brown handing out turkeys on Christmas!

Romance Behind Bars
Speaking of which, here's an opportunity to all my friends who are into Adobe Photoshop. See, I was randomly surfing the web and found this web site called Friends Beyond the Walls and, if you haven't figured out from the name yet, it turns out to be a web site where incarcerated folks can meet and correspond with people on the outside. So, if you're looking for love and you're not sure if that special someone is actually behind bars, then this is definately a good place to start looking!

Ok, Ok, I'm straying from my point. It turns out that these people offer a very unique service called "Photos Beyond The Wall" where they harness the magic of Photoshop to take you "outside" of prison by cleverly imposing a picture of yourself and loved ones over an image of some "exotic" location of your choice. If you don't believe me, you can check it out here.

I mean, it is a really cool idea [heck, I wish I'd thought about it before] and I'm not making fun of brothers and sisters behind bars or anything, but I just find it extremely amusing the way people find opportunities to use technology to take advantage of people caught up in these unfortunate situations in order to turn a profit for themselves.

Wrecked Exotic Autos
I consider myself to be, among other things, a connoseiur of fine automobiles [though I do wish I had the money to actually purchase some of these cars]. So, you can understand the emotional stress that I am placed under when I find a web site like Wrecked Exotics that shows pictures of extraordinarily beautiful automobiles wrecked by some unfortunate [or extremely careless] rich person who'll probably end up buying a new one a couple hours later. Of all the cars on the site, the one that hurts me the most is the Ferrari Enzo, the racing inspired 660 bhp street-legal creation named after Enzo Ferrari, founder of Ferrari. I believe that in the first year of it's release only 400 were made. Now, thanks to this driver, that number has been reduced to 399 [actually, 398 if you consider that this is the second Enzo ever wrecked]. Makes me really sad to see exotic autos just wasted like this, shaemful, shameful :(.

Anyhoo, I believe I've done ranting this morning, so I'm going to go back to the real world now.

{arf, arf}

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Why AngryDog?

You're probably wondering why I chose an aggressive-sounding name like Angry Dog. Well, it's simple...I am a dog. Yes, I'm a 5'9" 220lbs two-legged dog. To express why I consider myself a dog, let me turn to the words of the illustrious Darkman X:

Man, cats don't know what it's gonna be
F*kin with a n*ga like me, D-to-the-M-to-the-X
Last I heard, y'all n*gaz was havin s*x, with the SAME s*x
I show no love, to homo thugs
Empty out, reloaded and throw more slugs
How you gonna explain f*kin a man?
Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touchin ya hand
I don't buck with chumps, for those to been to jail
That's the cat with the Kool-Aid on his lips and pumps
I don't f*ck with n*gaz that think they broads
Only know how to be ONE WAY, that's the dog
I know how to get down, know how to BITE
Bark very little, but I know HOW TO FIGHT
I know how to chase a cat up in the tree

So there you have it, the whole essence of Angry Dog captured in the verses of "Where Da Hood At". This blog is intended to be a place to share my daily rants and raves about the world through the eyes of a dog.


{arf, arf}