Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Why The Dog Don't Judge Beauty Contests Anymore

Alright people, it's Tuesday and I just got home from work. Now, judging from the fact that it's 4:00pm, many of you are probably asking how the R.A.S.S. I am home from work so early! Well, check this out, Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach 1 class that is an hour and 20 minutes long---so the drive is actually longer than the teaching time--oh well, what can you do, especially when the money relatively decent by West Virginia standards.

Hey, before I forget, does anybody out in blogland want a G-Mail invite? I have about 3 throwing around, so if you're interested, drop me a comment and specify some (non-hotmail) e-mail address. Anyhow, now that I'm done whoring for Google, I'm going to launch into the original purpose for writing this dissertation as to why I don't judge beauty contests.

From the looks of things, the Jamaican blogging community is very much into the whole beauty contest thing. Speaking of which, congratulations to Toyota Toyboy Tonoya Toyloy for capturing the hearts of Jamaicans and becoming our new Miss Jamaica World...best of luck you hear my girl!

Anyhow, the Doc, the Bull and the Foot have been having very interesting debates about the look of the Miss Jamaica contestants. Well, I am usually an eager little dog when it comes to many of the discussions here, but in this case I decided to bite my tongue. You see, I have long ago learned that judging beauty contests wasn't my forte (sp?). As a child growing up, I would always watch these events with my grandfather and, more times than not, we'd predict the top three finalists with some recent degree of accuracy--hey, we knew our women!

At any rate, I have come to realize that most of the girls in the competitions have a very high Dehwidability Index, or D.I. for short, (i.e. the higher the D.I. the stronger the likelihood that if I saw any one of these girls on the street I would want to hook up [deh wid] dem). In addition, most of them have a very high Sexability Index as well (which is a measure of how much sex I would like to have with them). If one were to examine the correlation between the D.I. and the S.I, then one would probably realize that the majority of these women (with very few exceptions) would be quite possibly a love/lust interest for me.

Anyhow, the problem is not that I find these women highly appealing, it's just that I find that by spending too much time judging these beautiful women and trying to find flaws (consciously or not) leads to an unrealistic sense of beauty and I tend to have too high standards for women. In fact, I even found myself in the past dating extremely gorgeous girls, usually breaking up with them because of some simple things like a mole on her nose or one breast being slightly bigger than the other or her hair not being long and wavy enough or because the butt did not have just the right amount of bounce. Who the hell was I to be telling judging these women for these little things? I am by no means perfect myself and I never made anybody!

As a matter of fact, I remember when I realized how annoying it is to be physically compared to someone is when I was dating 512 (so named because she was 6' tall, but kept telling people that she was 5'12" tall) and I had just earned my black belt (yes Stu, the Dog used to be somewhat of a martial artist back in the day) and we had gone to see some Van Damme movie. So here we are, me and 512 watching movie and hear her to me "So Dog, how you can't kick so high?", "So Dog, how come you can't split so far?", "So Dog, how come you your abs not as tight like Jean-Claude's?" Finally, I got so fed up with her that I said "So 512, how come you not normal height?", knowing full well that she was very conscious of her height in those days!

To say that I have transcended the whole good-looking woman drama would be a severe stretch of the truth. For sure, I've come to terms with the fact that I like attractive women (case in point, Pebbles), but I realize there is a lot more to women than looks...I've met some pretty hot women who were pretty "not" in the mental department. Good looks are fine, but if you have about the same level of intelligence as a box of hammers, it not going to work! By no means am I an intellectual snob and I don't intend to sound like one, but any woman I'm with has to be sufficiently intelligent so that we can have a decent conversation about things like polit(r)ic(k)s, art, music, culture, religion and so on. Don't need a college degree to be intelligent, but she just need to have a little something about her, if you catch my drift.

Anyhow, I think I've exhausted my mind for now, so I think I'll take a little break from the blog and go look about the trenton that is gently roasting in the kitchen!

Monday, September 27, 2004

Monday Morning Blues

Is it Monday already? Darn, it seems like just yesterday it was Sunday (oh yeah, yesterday WAS Sunday!) and now I have to be back at work again. Talk about a wild start to my morning! I wake up at 6:00am and decide that I deserved to sleep until 6:30am, since I was up all night putting much needed work into my horribly organized room! Anyhow, 6:30am rolls around and I'm thinking, "I really should wake up, but I can sleep until 6:40". 6:40 rolls by and I make to get out of bed, but somehow it took me 15 minutes to raise my torso and put my feet on the ground. Do the regular bathroom thing, i.e. the Three S's, skipped breakfast and was out the door at 7:08am. Now, wouldn't you know, I'm almost on the Interstate when it hits me that my car needs gas, oil and air. I totally forgot to fill up, add some oil to the engine, and adjust my tire pressure--dumbass! So, of course, I have to pull off at Sheetz and do all of the above, which took me all of 15 minutes.

Now, when it's 8:30am, work starts at 9am and you're still 45 minutes away from your job site, things seem a lot different and the foot tends to get a little heavy. Well, fortunately, I can't COMFORTABLY go over the speed limit of 70mph, since my car needs balancing and the steering vibrates almost as rapidly as a O.Ding crackhead, must get that fixed when next paycheck comes. Anyhow, I call my office and tell my secretary (OK, she's not exactly MY secretary per se, we all share her) that I'll be about 20-25 minutes late. Not a problem, life is good, and I'm happy--especially since I was only 15 minutes late, but managed to teach all I needed to teach within the alloted time. Even managed to bang out a project for my intro to computers class and chat with the other CS professor about the future of CS and MIS, isn't life grand? Would have had beaucoup time to eat, but a student of mine that needed help with functions came by to see me and we spent an hour talking code, which was beaucoup more fun than eating lunch (at least it was at the time, but now I'm hungry). No time to stop and eat, gotta dash off to the next class and the cycle goes on and on. How I love being in academia!

Anyhow, I have nothing really blogworthy this afternoon, since I haven't had time to read the newspaper and bitch and complain about all things political. So, I think that before I put my foot any further in my mouth, I'll cut this post here! Oh, before I forget, Pebbles is defending her research prospectus today...which means that by this evening she'll be a 3/4 Professor!!! Next add the research and the final dissertation defense some time in May, add water, and voila! you have a new college professor!

Me gone now!


Friday, September 24, 2004

F to the R to the I to the D to the A to the Y

Yep, it's Friday y'all and I am happy as a lark! No school for two whole days. Now, I'd like to say that I got paid and things were just peachy--but the sad truth is that I won't be able to enjoy my paycheck until next month :'(. See, I have a short term loan that sorta comes due at the start of next month, so it must be paid--oh well, life isn't that bad, so give God thanks for the blessings that He's bestowed upon me and those closest to me, so I not going to even complain.

Anyhow, I feel a lot better now that I've graded my students' exams [you remember the students I was crying about yesterday].Well, they're not A students just yet...but there is a glimmer of hope since all of them got B's and I only have 1 D, not bad, considering that it's a class of 4 people. Well, the two students that were really close to A's are on the right track, so I just have to keep pushing them to write code and things will get better I think/hope/pray. The other two aren't terrible bad, but they have a few holes that need to be filled in order to get to the "a ha!" moment, but I can feel that they're right on the edge and I just need to be the facilitator that pushes them over.

Anyhow, enough of this boring rass teacher's lament blog, I am going to go to mi yard (my house) and find my spoogy (girlfriend) and nyam some bicckle (eat some food) and watch two flim (movies). So, I bid thee alls a good, happy and safe weekend. To my friends, family and companions in Florida, stay safe, dry, and remember: 4 hurricanes in 6 weeks is definately a sign that you might want to consider switching residence!


Thursday, September 23, 2004

!!!REALLY Angry Dog!!!

Now, I'm a very patient individual...ask Pebbles or anyone else who knows me how many times I've ever lost my temper. Well, today is one of those days when you just have to sit down, rip your hair out and scream at the world! Imagine, it's the 5th week of the semester and 3/4 of my programming class still has no clue about writing EVEN THE SIMPLEST of programs! Have I been teaching rocks all semester long? Do they just not get it? Am I overwhelming them? Do I blame the person that taught them the introductory class? What the hell!!!!

Tomorrow, they have an exam coming up, and if they couldn't write a simple program AFTER TWO WEEKS, how the hell are they going to be able to do the programming questions, let alone some of the more advanced things that I need to teach them? I've long since passed outside of the realm of blaming myself for my student's failures...I give them source code, I give them all the help they need, I spend painful class sessions going over the simplest of things, I show them how to think about programming and break things into simpler, more manageable steps. What the hell am I missing???? Shit, Fuck, Damn, AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Obviously, this is the first time they're actually having to write code on their own--apparently the person that taught them the first course believed in giving them working code and have them modify it slightly in order to make it do something else...who the fuck teaches and intro to computer science class by teaching them how to fucking reuse code!!! I'm at a complete loss, I have no idea what to do right now. I'm tired, pissed off, and completely and utterly frustrated. I have no idea how to reach these kids and get them to actually do STUFF. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

OK, I'm calmer now, I need to go back to my office, sit down, close my eyes for a few minutes and then come up with a better strategy. There has to be something I'm missing...though I guess I'll tell how much they're missing after their first exam tomorrow. Wait a minute, I'm a software engineer/wanna be data miner...why not look at their code and try to figure out some of their major weaknesses. Yeah, that's it...evaluate, analyze, and come up with a better strategy...yeah, I think that might work. I just don't know what more I can do...


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

The AngryDog 8-Week Diet Challenge Part I

"Holy Flab Batman!!" I was looking in the mirror this morning and it suddenly hit me that I've put on waaaayyyy too much weight in the past year! It's darn embarrasing when clothes that used to be too big for you are now two sizes too small and your girlfriend complains about your boxers showing because your T-Shirts rides over your guts! Then of course comes the health-related stuff--problems with sleep, fatigue, lack of endurance, etc. Well, I done with that crap! Time for me to go back to the gym and start losing the weight! Hell, if Anna Nicole could do it, so can the Dog!

The real reason for wanting to go back to the weight room is because I need a new wardrobe for my teaching, but I can't do that until I lose some weight! And so, I've come up with the AngryDog 8-Week Diet Challenge. Now, I don't have the fitness program here, but I'll post it whenever I get home, so look out for Part II come later!

{grrr, grrr}

Sunday, September 19, 2004

The Day Porn Died

Howdy folks, today is my girlfriend's birthday!! So please be sure to say happy b/day to the girl [I won't say her age here unless I get my butt kicked, but it's safe to say that her age still remains on the calendar!]. Anyhow, we had a little birthday get-together, with a cake and everything! It's amazing how difficult it is to sneak these things in when your girlfriend is with you all weekend!! Nonetheless, with my Ninja-like stealth, I was able to secure a small celebration for the lady.

Of other blog-note, I've written a new story called Tears of the Angels, be sure to check it out at the League of Extraordinary Writers and let me know what you think! A note to my faithful readers, it does deal with certain political issues pertinent to the Jamaican climate and contains a little bit of violence, but it is a work of fiction and in no way reflect my (lack of) personal political views!

Now, according to the title above, you might be curious as to what I'm talking about. Well, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't look at porn every now and then, but it's not my livelyhood and I am by no means a purveyor of ponagraphic content on the web! Anyhow, a friend of mine sent me a certain link, and after viewing what this woman has to offer, I've decided to never, ever, ever, ever, look at porn again! Long gone are the days of the slender, buxom, over-sexed porn starlet! Now we're talking about the "amateurs" and their obsession with doing their business in their "apartments" and then allowing the world to see what they shouldn't see in the first place! Just to know, the image is not a nude shot, she's clothed, but with or without clothes, she's scary as hell!!

Anyhow, dinner is being cooked and I must go make my sweet and sour glaze that Pebbles adores so much! Here's hoping that I didn't ruin y'allz dinners with this "image"!


Friday, September 17, 2004


Well, it's Friday again and I am happy that the weekend is here [trust me, after this week, I reeaaaallly need some time to unwind and relax the body and mind]. Don't really have too much to post today, I'm missing some of my blogging buddies [i.e. Mad Bull and The Doctor]. Nuff respec to the crew at The Tower [Ciya, Seven, Scratchie] for providing us all with some insight into this tragedy minor setback that plauges the Caribbean which we all love. Much respect to Ciya for writing this poem entitled Hurricane!! I love it, because she has captured my thoughts and reactions to Gilbert as a child growing up in the late 80's! Well done Ciya!!!

Speaking of which, my dad e-mailed me a joke this morning, and since I have nothing much to post, I figure I'll link it for the rest of you folks to enjoy:

Prime Minister Patterson wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it.
So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high international quality.

The stamps are created, printed and released. Prime Minister Patterson is
very pleased, but within a few days of the release of the stamp, he is hearing
complaints that the stamp is not sticking, and he becomes infuriated. He calls
the people responsible and orders them to investigate the matter.

They check the matter out at several post offices, and they report the problem to Prime Minister Patterson. The report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

Have a good weekend everybody and, please, stay safe and as dry as possible!


Thursday, September 16, 2004

Then and Now

Hi, hello, how are you all doing? It's been such a long time since I have had anything to write about, in fact, last week and most of this week have been occupied with teaching preparation, not to mention the frantic telephne calls and e-mail messages to friends and family members back in Jamaica to ensure that Ivan the Terrible had not sealed their fates. Well, I am pleased to report that most of my friends and family suffered only minimal damage to their residences, but more importantly, they are all OK! God is truly a good God!

I was just thinking about the differences between Ivan and Gilbert with respect to how people dealt with it. Of course, I was a mere eleven years old (if that much) when Gilbert struck. Now, being somewhat older, I have a different perspective on Ivan, particularly because I was not at home when he hit, but mainly because I am no longer an innocent child.

When Gilbert set foot upon Jamaica, I had just started going to Jamaica College and, quite frankly, I hated going to school [nothing against my alma mater, but I just hated school in general back in those days]. Gilbert came at quite a convenient time for me because it meant that I had more time to study for my math exam, which I was bound to fail, and to make the prize even sweeter, no school for weeks! I guess hurricanes are the Caribbean equivalent to a snow day in the United States (but on a much grander scale IMHO!).

Flash forward to hurricane Ivan. I'm a 27-year old college professor in the US and, judging from my chosen profession, it's quite obvious that I now enjoy (or at least tolerate) being in a school environment. I spend my office hours tracking the storm online and communicate with friends and family all over the Caribbean and Florida (via telephone and instant messenger) about the storm and, in some ways, I've become a bit proficient at reading the signs on the NOAA website. I'm concerned that my younger brothers and sister will miss out on important parts of their education, like I had during Gilbert. After all, time at home means less time at school which generalizes into the Jamaican students being way behind many of their Caribbean counterparts with respect to various syllabi that must be followed. I still failed my math test, regardless of how much more "time" I had to study for it anyway, so what was the use?

When we considered the term "looter" back in the context of Gilbert, my mind goes back to the media showing images of wet, barefooted inner city residents running wild through the streets of Jamaica with various appliances, furniture and miscellaneous articles. I even remember jokes my friends told about the alleged one-footed looter that held a fridge on his back. Not only did this fictitious looter succesfully evade the police and other looters, but he also managed to jump clear across sandy gully. All this from a one-footed man with a fridge on his back! Oh how creative is the Jamaican mind!

The "looters" have become an organized task force of sorts! Back in Gilbert, it was quite normal for someone to steal a few appliances or clothes, but the looters that are talked about by the media during the time of Ivan are armed to the teeth and actually have vehicles and are organized enough to strip an entire warehouse in a relatively short space of time. Then the media talks about gun battles during the storm, something completely unheard of during Gilbert! Oh how Jamaica has changed from a fun-loving land!

During Gilbert, we had no power for almost three months where I lived. Of course, the Internet users didn't suffer, because that domain only existed for the true techno-geeks back in those days! We had power at our house because my uncle got a generator and hooked it up to the wiring system in our house, thereby making us a Honda-powered house for the duration of the power outage. The generator was a loud, noisy thing, and we had to feed it with a never-ending supply of gasoline. Even my grandmother became proficient at pouring gas into the beast and using the little pull cord to restart the machine! Telephones were down for a while, but I don't remember how long we were without service, certainly not as long as we were without light though [but I forget, because I didn't talk on the phone in those days anyway].

Electricity was shut down just before Ivan hit and most places already have power restored, all within a few days. Water is a fickle thing, but from what I understand from my "reporters" at Ground 0 it's back in most places. The local telephone service was up and running throughout the storm and, even though the international link has been damaged, calling to Jamaica is still possible, though difficult at times. As I said to my Aunt Prudence in Florida before Ivan hit Jamaica, "this will be a test to see how our technological infrastructure has advanced in the past ten years" and we did indeed succeed!

Well, I think I've done enough reminiscing about the ghosts of hurricanes past. My prayers are with Mad Bull and his family and here's hoping that we will be able to get in contact with them very soon! To those in Jamaica that have weathered the storm and have emerged stronger, people like Yamfoot, Dr. D, Owen and the family of Stu. Here's hoping that you will be able to quickly pick up your lives from where you left off before Ivan and move forward even stronger, having literally weathered the storm!


Thursday, September 09, 2004

The F-Word [a.k.a a birthday tribute to the good doctor]

No, no, no...not THAT F word! Actually, what I meant was Friday! Yep, it's almost here--10 hours and 11 minutes to go according to my calculations! Well, you know what, tomorrow is also a special day because the Doctor is having a birthday! I hope that Ivan the R.A.S.S doesn't ruin the festivities too much for you sah--oh well, you can always tell people that you got "one helluva blowjob" [remember Lovindeer's Wild Gilbert album?], just don't go around telling people that you got it from someone named Ivan now you know! Anyhow, on a more serious note, Happy 41 Dr. D and wishes for many, many, many more birthdays!

Sorry I'm in cyberspace and unable to link you for the birthday, but here's a virtual chawklit cake just for you!

As a matter of fact, I went all out and got you a bottle of Virtual V/X as well. Cheers!

I spoke to my links and even got you a virtual linkup for you with Halle Berry! [don't you just love the dog?]. As a matter of fact, my hollywood contact was so excited about your birthday that they even decided to throw in Halle's little-known twin sister, Hefty!

*insert your favorite cussword here*

Anyhow, not much else going on on the homefront today, just kicking back and relaxing and enjoying the fact that it's almost Friday. Have some extra work that needs to get done in the lab today, but nothing too much, hoping to beat it before the rain still (yes we still suffering the backlash from Francis). Took my car in to the shop this morning to get a wire re-connected and tighten a few belts here and there, she seems to be holding up really well, in light of the fact that she's done well over 2000 miles since her last oil change a couple weeks back. Funny thing is that the speed limit on the highway that I have to take to get to work in the mornings is 70mph. Can you believe that there was some guy driving his 2002+ Subaru Impreza (not a WRX) in the rain (i.e. slick surface) well over 100mph this morning??? The fool cut me off and the draft I picked up from him crossing over into my lane pulled my car uncomfortably along, suffice it to say, I was pissed! Anyhow, about 5 miles down the road I see the flashing lights of a police cruiser and, sure enough, there is our little Subaru friend sitting by the side of a road with a police officer running his tags. I'm really glad they stopped this idiot too, because there was a slew of accidents yesterday (I saw about 5 in total) and it really wasn't a pleasant day driving one bit.

Anyhow, I've said my piece, now I must go and grade projects.

{arf, arf}

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Dawg Turn Rapper To R.A.S.S!!

Hi all, c'est moi, le AngryDog :D. Now, I'm not sure if I wrote about the new JVC head unit (i.e. CD Player) I bought for my car a few weeks ago, well, the thing is kicking much butt! It makes the ride to work seem much more pleasant and I can finally listen to some hardcore dancehall riddims! Anyhow, I think I've been listening to way too much Elephant Man, Tupac, and so on, because I was trying to write a poem this morning and got myself a hardcore gangsta rap instead!

Papa, can you hear me when I cry,
Mama, will you be there when I die?

The depression, the sorrow, the pain
The hatred like antifreeze runnin' thru my veins

All my life I been tryin to be the best grandson, son, nephew, lover, and friend...
Where ma family, girl, n****s gonna be when its time to meet my end?

Tired of paying for my sins and crimes of the past,
Tired of these b****es judging me, treating me like a f****g outcast.

B***es forgot I was the n***a there to dry their tears,
B***es forgot I was the n***a they used to run to with their fears.

F**k y'all and listen to me well,
Cause I got another motherf**n' story to tell.

Y'all betrayed me last month, prosecuted me last week, chastised me yesterday, now you try to crucify me today...
Do what u wanna do, say what you wanna say, you can't hurt this n**a anyway.

You turn ma boo against me, with your contempteous lies,
Do you see any tears coming from this n**as's eyes?

You try to mess with my mind, f**k with my head...
Get over yourself b**ch, I don't give a sh*t if I'm alive or dead.

Your day is coming, it's coming real soon...
Every f***ng cowboy has his high noon

Bring it on b**ch, bring it all to me,
C'mon b**ch, c'mon lets see

I'll paint the f***n town red with your entrails
I'll be the n**a that's gonna drive the last nail...

Bring it on b**h, bring it all to me,
C'mon b**h, c'mon lets see

So, do you think the rap can sell? Anyhow, I'm a bit bummed about the fact that we up north are getting the last little backlash from Frances--it's raining like a mo'fo up in here and I dread the evening drive to go back to my little ranch. Oh well, just have to say a little prayer and tek time gwaan.

Gotta go back to tending young minds.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Labor Day

Greetings fellow bloggers, I see from visiting other pages that everyone has been busy posting (even the Doctor has been posting up a storm! [pun intended]). Alright, now I've been taking a lot of flack from certain people who shall remain anonymous about my last post where I turned typical Jamaican cuss words into nifty little acronyms. Well, I believe in the educational merit of what I did, so who don't like it, too bad! (besides, this is perhaps the only excuse I have for swearing on my website without sounding crass).

Anyhow, labor day came and went, and I didn't do one R.A.S.S. After all, I give Uncle Sam my hard-earned dollars in income tax every month, the least he can do is give me a little break to relax and enjoy miself. Hey, you know, I was just thinking about how we in Jamaica celebrate labor day versus how the Americans do it. Now, growing up, I used to remember JBC (TVJ) and CVM providing coverage of labor day projects that different individuals/groups/service organizations used to carry out. I even remember songs that they used to play on labor day: "the more we work together, the irier we shall be" and "everybody mus' work". See, for a good portion of Jamaica, labor day actually meant that we had to go out and work!! Now, in the US, labor day basically means people will chill out, have barbecues, relax, go shopping at the labor day sales...pretty much, they do everything except work.

You know what, I think I like the American idea of labor day much more still, so I guess I'll stay here for a while. Now, Christmas is a different story altogether! In the US, Christmas isn't as important a holiday as Thankgsgiving and, in fact, families oftentimes do not make the effort to reunite for the season, having already had the big family affair for Thanksgiving. For us Jamaicans, on the other hand, Christmas is the bashment time! Officially we get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off, then of course comes New Year. Unofficially, however, we get two weeks off--though our bodies may be physically at work (sometimes) our minds are partying it up non-stop. I could never imagine, even in my wildest dreams, that I would be at work on December 26th...after all, we do need to have some time to recover from all the food and liquor you know!

Anyhow, I am unofficially planning to write an anthology of short stories based on the ones that I post on the LXW site. What do you guys think? Is it worth a shot?

Anyhow, must go tend to the young minds that I call students.


Friday, September 03, 2004

Friday again to R.A.S.S.

Howdy folks, is Friday again and the dog so happy till him can't stop wagging the tail (or shaking the tailfeathers as Nelly would say!). I'm actually sitting in my class doing jack shit, watching my students type stuff up in MS-Word [soooo difficult]. Just had a birthday party for our division secretary, Janet, she's gonna be 22 come Monday. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, Monday is a holiday to R.A.S.S!! So I save myself a whopping $5 on gas!! Hope Pebbles not pissed at me, cause she not answering her cellie and I really need to see if she wants to do something tonight.

Anyhow, for some reason I found myself remembering how I used to memorize certain facts as a kid [that's what happen when you're bored and idle no rass]. For example, the phrase "Many Vagabonds Earn Money Just Sitting Under Neutral Plans" was what I used to remember the planets in our solar system, i.e. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Well, being the benevolent soul that I am, I decided to create a similar type of convention to help those not so fortunate to be blessed with the Jamaican "dutty mout" to remember certain key phrases whenever the time was right, here's what I came up with:

1) R.A.S.S. -- Righteous As Satan's Son.

2) B.O.M.B.O. -- Bright Outrageous Materialistic Black Ombudsman.

3) B.L.O.O.D.C.L.A.A.T -- Big Loud Obnoxious Old Devil Corroded Like An Ancient Truck

4) B.O.M.B.O.C.L.A.A.T -- Bring Out My Bottle Of Courvoseiur Let Aunt Abby Taste.

5) F.I.Y.A.B.U.N. -- Flames in Your Ass Burns Up Nuts.

6) K.I.S.S.M.I.R.A.S.S. -- Kick It So Suddenly Maas Ignacious Run Away Sed Speed.

7) C.H.O.R.A.S.S -- Cheap Houses Over Rivers Are Scary Spots

8) Y.O.U.B.A.C.K.S.I.D.E. -- Yang On Unicycle Breaks Ass Cracks Kidneys Shatters Island Destroys Everybody

9) M.I.W.I.K.I.L.L.Y.U.R.A.S.S. -- Milk In Water Is Kinky In Little Land You Use Really Annoy Several Shoppers.

10) M.I.N.E.A.C.H.O.P.U.P.Y.O.U.R.A.S.S. -- Many Islands Never Eat Animals China Has One Person Under Plent Years Of Unity Righteousness And Social Stability.

As you can tell, the dog is veeeery bored and dying to go to him yard! So, I'll go ahead and end my post here, we will link inna di weekend...zeen!!


Thursday, September 02, 2004

Life Lesson # 695: Never help a Korean woman to purchase a car...ever!

Greetings fellow bloggers and web surfers. As you might have guessed from the title of this entry, I've learned one of life's more important lessons today: "Never help a Korean woman to purchase a car...ever, ever, ever!!" OK, I got home early yesterday afternoon (i.e. a little after 5:00pm) and boy was I ever hungry! Pebbles had work to do and I didn't feel like going by the fireside either, so we ended up ordering a pizza. Fatigue beat me to the ground at around 10:00pm and I was dead to the world at 11.

Woke up this morning with a minor case of indegestion (damn pizza!) and checked my cellphone...apparently, our friend, Kim Chee had been trying to reach us all night. Pebbles was working and, as I said, I was dead to the world. Called her up around 8:30 and she told me about this 98 Mercury Sable *read: Ford Taurus* that she desparately wanted to see. Now, based on my experience with Ford, I know they're really good cars UNTIL they approach that 80k-90k mileage, then they have all sorts of issues. Well, I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't help, but my guilt (and Pebbles) overrode my better judgment and I ended up calling her back and telling her I'd help her out.

Well, the Sable was looking pretty sharp (but the mileage, remember?) and the guy said he did most, if not all the maintenance himself, therefore there were no real maintenance records per se. The steering wheel was unstable at 70+mph (probably needs balancing) and he sort of ignored my question about the noise we heard in the back. When he said that they didn't have any mechanical problems with the car, a warning bell rang in my head and I sort of figured that the car would probably experience some mechanical problem (soon!).

Anyhow, suffice it to say, Kim decided (wisely I think) that she was going to get the Accord instead of the Sable, so we headed to my house and I took a quick shower, grabbed my teaching stuff, and we were off to the bank for her to get a cashier's cheque for the car money. Somewhere along the line, she managed to piss off the bank teller (the poor lady). Every time the woman tried to count out her cash, Kim would interrupt her with some dumb question (three times she did this!). Finally, the lady gave her cheque, money and receipt and we were off to the dealership.

Forty minutes later, we arrived at the dealership and we were sitting around waiting for them to finish cleaning the car so that we could leave. This point in time I'm thinking to myself, "damn, I'm gonna be late for work if they don't hurry this transaction up!" Wouldn't you know it, the delay in the paperwork was due to Kim trying once again to negotiate with the salesman! I'm like "the car is worth over $10k, they marked it down to just over $9k, we talked him down to $7500 and this girl still wants to negotiate!!!" Poor salesman, I could tell he was annoyed, but at this point I couldn't do anything but watch in horror as she haggled over the price of the car she'd already bought. To make matters worse, she even went to the sales manager while he was drafting up the paperwork and tried to haggle with him too!! In the end, she paid the previously agreed upon price for the car, I was 15 minutes late for work, the salesman was glad to get rid of her, and she left with a coupon for a free oil change valued at a whopping $23.

Now, a friend of mine named Victor (who happened to be Korean) told me a long time ago that Koreans were, in general, a very proud and aggressive race of people and the women were exceptionally beautiful and exceedingly annoying (as if it weren't enough for them to be aggressive as well!). Victor attributes the aggressive nature of Koreans to the fact that the country is a little island stuck between Japan and China and had belonged to either country at one point or another in history. Now, I'm not being racist, this is honestly what Victor told me.

Oh well, the moral of the story is that if you ever find yourself face to face with an annoying Korean woman, do the following:
1) Look her straight in the eyes and try to make yourself look as big as possible.
2) Step back away from her slowly, repeating "no, no, no" in a firm, confident voice.
3) If all else fails, give her what she wants and run away!

Anyhow, dinner is calling me, so I will sign off here.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Is It Friday Yet?

Big up and nuff respec' to all massive and crew inna yard and fareen!
/* Tr: Greetings and salutations to all my friends from home and abroad! */

Now, some of you might have guessed from the title of this post that I am dog tired (no pun intended). The second week of school rolls rapidly by and I must say that it's a little bit overwhelming to be on the other side of the fence as a teacher as opposed to being a student. My programming class is going well, the students are now beginning to understand much of the fundamental concepts behind programming (i.e. how logic relates to control structures, etc). My other class (Microsoft Office 101) is going, slowly but painfully. I suppose it's really difficult to take a hardcore programmer like myself and stick him in a class where you're teaching rudimentary concepts like "this is how you format a disk" or "Microsoft Word is used for creating very professional grade documents". Oh well, my students are really cool *for the most part* so I have no problems there per se.

Now, most of you have been following the recent elections and much talk has been in the air as to the sanity/mental stability of the current president of the US, one Mr. GWB. I was reading an article on MSN yesterday where they were talking about the fact that Bush had risen above alcoholism at the age of 40 and managed to pull himself together and become president in 12 years. The article claimed that Bush had woken up one morning with a really bad hangover and just decided to quit drinking and went on to join a bible studies group!

Well, I commend the man for controlling his "inner fat boy" as he calls it, but I still have to question whether or not he is mentally capable of governing a country. This other article pretty much talks about many of the psychological problems that the president *potentially* has. The article describes him as a "paranoid meglomaniac" as well as a sadist and "untreated alcoholic." Now, the thing is that I am more convinced about these allegations because the article I linked does give reference to some of the stuff the other, completely unrelated, MSN article that supported Bush and painted him as a man that rose from the "gutters" to the White House...in fact, the MSN article pretty much said the same thing that the second article I linked did, but just not using medical terminology. Things that make you go "hmmm"!

Anyhow, enough about the polit(r)ic(k)s that run our lives, let's talk about something more fun! I found an article on FOXSports today that made me laugh like a madman in my office. The article talked about the Top 10 most idiotic fans in sport history. Apparently, there's this Irish guy who calls himself the Defrocked Priest (who actually is a defrocked priest) and he makes it a point to do crazy things, like running out and attacking the leader of the men's Olympic marathon and caused him to lose the gold medal. Apparently a year ago he even put himself in the middle of a 200+mph Grand Prix race!

Now, looking down the list, I see the guy that stabbed Monica Seles in Germany a couple years back, Morgana the Kissing Bandit is there, but one name that stood out was Spike Lee! Remember him and Reggie Miller? The whole heckling thing was definately good hype, but I had no clue that it would've been enough to put Spike in that rogue's gallery!

Anyhow, I've written enough about nothing, drop me a comment and show me some love. Until next time!