Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Letter to Halle Berry

Letter to Halle Berry
Dear Ms. Berry:
You don't know me and, as luck would have it, I don't know you either. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce myself to you--my name is Angry Dog and I am a living, breathing, marginally impoverished Caribbean male . I have been a fan of yours ever since you starred alongside Samuel L. Jackson in Jungle Fever. I must say you were the most beautiful crack-head I've ever seen.

I laughed with you in B.A.P.S [though I'm not sure if I should have], I cried with you in Monster's Ball [though I must admit that the love scenes with Billy-Bob were a bit nauseating], and I drooled over you in Swordfish and Die Another Day. So you see, I've developed somewhat of an "actor-viewer" relationship with you over the past few years.

Now Ms. Berry, I was terribly saddened in 1996 when you went through a painful and violent divorce with David Justice. And, today, I was saddened even more to hear about your divorce from Eric Benet. It is shameful that a woman as lovely as yourself must be subject to men who turned out to be wife beaters and cheaters. Upon careful consideration of your situation, Madam, I recommend that you read a certain book by a Ms. Terry McMillan [the movie wasn't so good, Taye Diggs had a horrible Jamaican accent--though Angela Basset was quite lovely] entitled "How Stella Got Her Groove Back".

The reason for recommending this book is because I believe therein lies your answers to relationship bliss. From my astute observations of American males, particularly celebrities, I have come to the realization that the vast majority of them tend to be, in short, uptight, pigs, dogs, scoundrels, and narcissicts. As such, I strongly recommmend for you to take a little vacation in the calm, laid-back tropical paradise of Jamaica. There you might find yourself perhaps taking a liking to some young Jamaican man with a bright smile and a simplistic view of the world.

The reason for making a suggestion as this is due to several major characteristics of Jamaican men that may not be known to the world:
1. In general, we never mistreat our abuse women because our women will fight back ten times harder even if we tried.

2. There is no guarantee that we will not cheat on you, after all, we do love our women dearly. But we will give you prior notice of our actions and determine if it is acceptable with you for us to conduct our activities.

3. Children generally get along well with us and we usually like their company, we will never be caught dead dangling them from windows for the world to see!

4. One of our most popular phrases is "No Problem" because we realize that life is much simpler than people tend to make it out to be. For instance, it is very difficult for a Jamaican male to worry about his car, house, and money problems if he has neither car, house, nor money. No Problem!

5. Finally, as stated previously, we believe that women must be treated as Queens; therefore, no matter how much money you make, you will always find the true, good Jamaican male offering to pay for you if you and he go out together...even if it means that he will not be able to pay this month's rent--is it really so easy to find that degree of generosity in Hollywood?

So, in conclusion Ms. Berry, I implore you to visit Jamaica and explore the bounty of good men that live in this small island--I guarantee that you will never have a dull moment in a country where even the average man is extraordinary by world standards.

Yours Truly,
Angry Dog

{arf,arf}

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