Guys' Guy v. Metrosexual Man

I was working on my car this afternoon [you know, the regular stuff, check belts and hoses, fluid levels, tires, tranny] and, after about half an hour of fiddling around I finally got everything done. Proudly, I looked at my oil-smudged hands and dirty fingernails and thought to myself, "I am man, hear me roar!!!" A few hours later, I was sitting around talking to my buddy online when something suddenly hit me, "Geesh, I really haven't washed my hands or cleaned my nails since I finished working on the car, have I?" So, I proceeded to use some cleansing product on my hands, then I used some moisturizing product.

After a little while, I realized my face was looking a little dull, so I used some more product on my face to bring out the natural bold radiance of my ebony skin. Suddenly, it hit me, since when did I take to calling soap, lotion, and face wash "product"???? Damn you Queer Eye and What Not To Wear for bringing terms like "product", "juge", "dull", and "flattering" into my vocabulary!

OK, I admit, I'm the average [Jamaican] guy. I like to smell good, I like to look good, I take at least two showers a day, and I like to chat and hang out with women as much as men [though I must admit that, if given a choice, I'd have to say that I prefer to spend more time with women...hey, I'm Jamaican!]. However, the problem that I have is that American media seems to be obsessed with the idea of men being "Guys' Guys" or "Metrosexual Men". Frankly, I must say that I don't like either of them one bit.

Let's talk about the Metrosexuals first. Well, these are guys who may be straight or gay, but you can never tell because they're into things that are generally considered to be a part of the "gay domain" such as dressing fashionably, taking cair of their hair, skin, and nails, and actually enjoy shopping. In short, Metrosexuals claim to be in touch with their feminine side [though sometimes they can get TOO MUCH in touch with their feminine side, i.e. David Beckham]. In my opinion, I see Metrosexuals as pompous, narcissistic bastards that spend too much time trying to look prettier than their girlfriends.

OK, now my intention is not to take sides with either stereotype, so I'm going to lash out at the "Guys' Guys" Now, American media would like you to believe that shows like Straight Plan for the Gay Man and The Man Show attempt to cast "real men" as beer binging slobs that spend their time eating tons of totally unhealthy meat [barbecued of course] and lusting over scantily clad augmented women. These guys don't care about fashion and that sort of trivial stuff, nooooo, for them smelling bad, wearing the same underwear multiple days, and having no manners with respect to their release of bodily gases and fluids is perfectly acceptable because it is the "manly" thing to do.

Hmmm, with those opposing and chaotic views of men, no wonder American boys have so many problems finding decent male role models and women are so dissatisfied with the men they are with. So, I offer to the world a third type of persona that I will refer to as the elam male. OK, so the elam male is some sort of a fusion between the "Metrosexual" and the "Guy's Guy" and some of his general characteristics are:

1. He knows the value of good hygeine, but he doesn't have to go overboard on using all sorts of strange "products" or ignoring hygeine altogether.

2. He knows how to cook more than just barbecued ribs, though he's not quite pre-disposed to making exotic sounding things like "pates" or "ratatouille". He also knows that "mousse" is just pudding.

3. He knows that makeup and nailpolish only belong on the faces and fingers of women.

4. He is capable of taking a shower that lasts longer than five minutes and is not necessarily disappointed if he misses his weekly tanning and hair removal appointment.

5. He knows how to get down and dirty when it comes to working with his tools, but he also knows that "down and dirty" doesn't have to be a permanent state...after all there does exist something called a shower and a little thing made out of lard called soap.

6. He doesn't have to spend a fortune on getting his teeth whitened, but at least he knows the basics of brusing and flossing.

7. He is sensitive to the emotions and needs of his woman, but he doesn't need to become "one of the girls" to relate to her!

8. He doesn't need to know how to pronounce words like Gucci, Prada, and he doesn't need to know what FCUK stands for--but he needs to know that you do not wear Nike Air with a suit and casually elegant doesn't mean jeans shorts and a "wife beater".

9. He is concerned about his health, but not to the point where he has to worry if any excess thing he eats is going to shatter his "perfect" 28" waist and washboard abs.

10. Though it is a liberated world, it would help if he sees a woman struggling with something [like moving a desk by herself or balancing an armfull of papers and trying to press an elevator button with the tip of her shoe] and be able to offer her some assistance!

So, all in all, I think my elam male would be a good idea because he tries to give women what they want and not being too much into themselves!!!

{arf, arf}


Anonymous said…

Enjoyed reading your post. You summed up the two stereotypes and balanced out the best traits of both worlds. You may have managed to describe the perfect male. Any chance the "elam" term will be embraced by the masses as much as "metrosexual" was, and that there are plenty of elams out there?

Now, what's a ratatouille?