Depression sucks. It leaves you moping around for days feeling horrible inside. I'm depressed these days. Why am I depressed? Lots of reasons, but chief among them is the unquellable desire to be amongst my own kind (Jamaicans and other people of Anglo-Caribbean ancestry that is). Though I suppose that I could live if I only had a group of friends to hang out with. Why don't I have many friends here? Too long and complicated to explain--but it has a lot to do with the fact that I live in a college town and people are always coming and going, thereby making it quite difficult to form lasting friendships. Add to this the age factor, i.e. at age 28 I really have very little in common with kids in their late teens-early twentys and you'll understand the complexity of my social life! Welcome to Little Big City, home of many, many, many international students, but almost none from the Caribbean.
I spend my life moving in and out between work and home. At work, I spend my time sitting in my office alone, contemplating things that are way beyond my years and level of academic expertise. Of course, the occassional student breaks the monotony of my life, but these events are few and far apart. I have no academic stimulation, since my interests are totally different from those of the other CS professor in the department; hence, I cannot relate to anyone on that level. Lawks, I wish I could say things like "Hey Professor # 2, what do you think about the idea of fast random searches over non-deterministic models?" and Professor # 2 would say something like, "Hmmm...it's a somewhat novel idea, but I think you need to confine the boundaries of what you mean by randomized and how far you're willing to go before you hit entropy." Then we'd laugh and say "Hey, let's write a paper together!"
Sadly, this isn't the reality of my academic life right now. The real deal goes something like this: "Hey Professor # 2, what do you think about the idea of fast random searches over non-deterministic models?" "Ummm, I dunno Angry, lemme just stand over in this corner and NOT try to understand what the f*ck you just said a while ago." Anyhow, going home is not bad, don't get me wrong....Pebbles is there! But Pebbles is only going to be "there" for a few more months until she graduates and finds a job somewhere far, far away come August. Then I'll certainly be left all alone. What to do? I dunno. The thought of giving all this fighting up and going back to Jamaica has crossed my mind...though I'd like to have a PhD and a great deal more money and prestige in academia before I make such a bold and daring move!
Sigh, it's funny you know, I've spent the bulk of my life seeing myself as a loner...but my friends have always been there, at least on the periphery. Now that I'm truly alone, I feel so helpless, so lonely, so depressed. God help me to keep my sanity...
I spend my life moving in and out between work and home. At work, I spend my time sitting in my office alone, contemplating things that are way beyond my years and level of academic expertise. Of course, the occassional student breaks the monotony of my life, but these events are few and far apart. I have no academic stimulation, since my interests are totally different from those of the other CS professor in the department; hence, I cannot relate to anyone on that level. Lawks, I wish I could say things like "Hey Professor # 2, what do you think about the idea of fast random searches over non-deterministic models?" and Professor # 2 would say something like, "Hmmm...it's a somewhat novel idea, but I think you need to confine the boundaries of what you mean by randomized and how far you're willing to go before you hit entropy." Then we'd laugh and say "Hey, let's write a paper together!"
Sadly, this isn't the reality of my academic life right now. The real deal goes something like this: "Hey Professor # 2, what do you think about the idea of fast random searches over non-deterministic models?" "Ummm, I dunno Angry, lemme just stand over in this corner and NOT try to understand what the f*ck you just said a while ago." Anyhow, going home is not bad, don't get me wrong....Pebbles is there! But Pebbles is only going to be "there" for a few more months until she graduates and finds a job somewhere far, far away come August. Then I'll certainly be left all alone. What to do? I dunno. The thought of giving all this fighting up and going back to Jamaica has crossed my mind...though I'd like to have a PhD and a great deal more money and prestige in academia before I make such a bold and daring move!
Sigh, it's funny you know, I've spent the bulk of my life seeing myself as a loner...but my friends have always been there, at least on the periphery. Now that I'm truly alone, I feel so helpless, so lonely, so depressed. God help me to keep my sanity...
Comments
Finally, if you and Pebbles have to separate, you can still move to Atlanta or Florida where its relatively warm and where Caribbean folk seem to hang out.
Seet deh! Nuff, nuff options. Be depressed no more...
Ok, we all go through periods when we contemplate life. I don't like to hear about my people being depressed as that spells serious shyte to me as a Doctor.
Anyhow, think about your options...what the Bull suggested is not a bad idea as well. Nevertheless, I can't tell you what to do, but if you need someone to link, jus shout me...I think in ten years of medical practice I have become a good listener and am able to give reasonable advice....even if at times when I get in the dumps of depression, I may not be able to solve my own problems by the shake of a magic wand. We deh bout rude yute! Dr. D.
anyway as a frequent visitor to depression( i like to refer to it as my natural state) i must tell ya the way to deal with t is not to sink too deep into it. keep the mind busy, try and think a few happy thoughts every now and then, try an smile at the situation somehow and also consider how bad other people have it cause although ya think things bad wid ya ya know ya still have some blessings that someone else would love to have. and if ya need someone to talk to link wid ona de bredren online or gi dem a call or something star. hang in there!