Sunday, March 06, 2005

The Edge of Depression

Depression sucks. It leaves you moping around for days feeling horrible inside. I'm depressed these days. Why am I depressed? Lots of reasons, but chief among them is the unquellable desire to be amongst my own kind (Jamaicans and other people of Anglo-Caribbean ancestry that is). Though I suppose that I could live if I only had a group of friends to hang out with. Why don't I have many friends here? Too long and complicated to explain--but it has a lot to do with the fact that I live in a college town and people are always coming and going, thereby making it quite difficult to form lasting friendships. Add to this the age factor, i.e. at age 28 I really have very little in common with kids in their late teens-early twentys and you'll understand the complexity of my social life! Welcome to Little Big City, home of many, many, many international students, but almost none from the Caribbean.

I spend my life moving in and out between work and home. At work, I spend my time sitting in my office alone, contemplating things that are way beyond my years and level of academic expertise. Of course, the occassional student breaks the monotony of my life, but these events are few and far apart. I have no academic stimulation, since my interests are totally different from those of the other CS professor in the department; hence, I cannot relate to anyone on that level. Lawks, I wish I could say things like "Hey Professor # 2, what do you think about the idea of fast random searches over non-deterministic models?" and Professor # 2 would say something like, "Hmmm...it's a somewhat novel idea, but I think you need to confine the boundaries of what you mean by randomized and how far you're willing to go before you hit entropy." Then we'd laugh and say "Hey, let's write a paper together!"

Sadly, this isn't the reality of my academic life right now. The real deal goes something like this: "Hey Professor # 2, what do you think about the idea of fast random searches over non-deterministic models?" "Ummm, I dunno Angry, lemme just stand over in this corner and NOT try to understand what the f*ck you just said a while ago." Anyhow, going home is not bad, don't get me wrong....Pebbles is there! But Pebbles is only going to be "there" for a few more months until she graduates and finds a job somewhere far, far away come August. Then I'll certainly be left all alone. What to do? I dunno. The thought of giving all this fighting up and going back to Jamaica has crossed my mind...though I'd like to have a PhD and a great deal more money and prestige in academia before I make such a bold and daring move!

Sigh, it's funny you know, I've spent the bulk of my life seeing myself as a loner...but my friends have always been there, at least on the periphery. Now that I'm truly alone, I feel so helpless, so lonely, so depressed. God help me to keep my sanity...

12 Comments:

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Mad Bull said...

Cheer up, my yute. Why does Pebbles have to leave. Tell her to look a job where you deh. If thats not an option, then go with her to whereever she gets a job, afterall you did say that you and professor two doh really have any interests. Nothing really ties you to little big city.
Finally, if you and Pebbles have to separate, you can still move to Atlanta or Florida where its relatively warm and where Caribbean folk seem to hang out.
Seet deh! Nuff, nuff options. Be depressed no more...

 
At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Strainer here dog, whenever you feel like that man just look pon the messenger and gi mi a holla and I will gi yu all the bad mind you need to make you feel right at home and cuss a few badwud. get your own white rum and we will have a drink. One is never truly alone until one is without conversation (I hope you understand that).

 
At 11:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! HEAR DAT RASS! AWOAH!!

Ok, we all go through periods when we contemplate life. I don't like to hear about my people being depressed as that spells serious shyte to me as a Doctor.

Anyhow, think about your options...what the Bull suggested is not a bad idea as well. Nevertheless, I can't tell you what to do, but if you need someone to link, jus shout me...I think in ten years of medical practice I have become a good listener and am able to give reasonable advice....even if at times when I get in the dumps of depression, I may not be able to solve my own problems by the shake of a magic wand. We deh bout rude yute! Dr. D.

 
At 2:13 AM, Blogger Yamfoot said...

you have the winter blues. i can understand how you feel for sure..

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Sunshine said...

Hi Angry-Depression-huh, it seems that's a frequent visitor even to Sunshine. Angry Dog-Nevva mind yu hear. Sorry to hear you're not feeling yourself. Part of it is probably due to "winter blues" as Yamfoot said. My girlfriend who lives in Toronto is also experiencing some form of depression from personal happenings but definatley from the lack of sunshine. I'm positive once the weather starts warming up you'll feel better to tackle the other challenges. I've heard that people living in cold country sometimes sit by these lamps especially for winter blues. Cheer up. We're here for you.
Sending you lots of cheery thougths and sunshine! ;-)

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Jdid said...

man you cant be depressed now. seriously i think i'm just coming out of my depression now cause from mid january personal things combined with the weather was ruff fa me.

anyway as a frequent visitor to depression( i like to refer to it as my natural state) i must tell ya the way to deal with t is not to sink too deep into it. keep the mind busy, try and think a few happy thoughts every now and then, try an smile at the situation somehow and also consider how bad other people have it cause although ya think things bad wid ya ya know ya still have some blessings that someone else would love to have. and if ya need someone to talk to link wid ona de bredren online or gi dem a call or something star. hang in there!

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger o said...

AG, I know 'bout this winter blues thing. Chuh man, dis cussid col' too much (and I was BAWN here, ha ha!)

As for what j-did be saying, well I would listen to him. Homeboy has been giving some sound advice to me as well (during my drivelling-I-want-this-guy-but-he's-already-got-a-girl scenario... gah!)

That might not seem like 'real depression' but trust, I went through something a few years ago (nothing to do with a man, though) and I was about to kill myself. It was bad times.

You ask, "how can solitaire talk like that when she's a Christian?" Well iyah, mi nuh immune from di wiles a di debil. 'Im will try but 'im cyant touch us, bredg!

I pray fe yuh. :)

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger Melody said...

Angry, it often sux bein' someone who considers all de time--ah live that--but whereas I'd internalize an' wifdraw, you're better off 'cause you're on de Blog expressin' your feelin's, an' that means you're tappin' into a rich resource--look pon all de assurance from de bloggers so far.

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Abeni said...

I been depressed more times than I would like to remember.It is rough and not the easiest thing to shake.But,hang in there.

 
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ruff ruff! How's de Dawg? Hope he panting OK! Jus a hail up to see how you stay rude yute. Dr. D.

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger Scratchie said...

Hang in there AD, We all go through times of depression and frustration. Some look to family and friends some look to God some look to the bottle or drugs. Whatever it is happening you can handle it and you have the support of your blog buddies here. MB listed some suggestions and I'm sure there are others that you can come up with as well. It'll all sort itself out in time. Personally I like the idea of prayer. Find what works for you.

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger Scratchie said...

After writing a whole half page of encouragement and such...Blogger ate it for lunch. Anyways, hope you feel a bit more with it today. Take it easy and work through it in whatever way makes you feel most at ease. Time will take care of most things.

 

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