Tuesday, August 03, 2004

I Miss You Grandma...

...You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you. Look into your heart, you will find there's nothing there to hide. Take me as I am, take my life, I would give it up, I would sacrificie. Don't tell me, it's not worth fighting for, I can't help it, there's nothing I want more. You know its true, everything I do, I do it for you...

-- Bryan Adams, "(Everything I Do) I do it for you"

Sorry I haven't updated very much in a few days. I just haven't been very inspired to write much lately, but I decided to finally break the silence today. I guess the reason why I haven't been writing very much is because my mind has been on my grandmother for the past few days. This month marks the 1st anniversary of her death. It's hard to believe that the year has passed so quickly and my life has changed so much in these twelve short months since she left us. I suppose I should be proud of my successes this past year, but it hurts to know that the single person I cared for with my entire heart, my entire soul, my entire being is not here with me to share in my triumphs.

Her telephone number has all but faded from my memory and sometimes I pick up the phone and hold it and just wish that I could dial those eleven numbers and hear her voice on the other end, strong as ever, even in illness. I apologize for using this thing, this blog to air my feelings about one so dear to my heart, but I have lost much of my capacity to express emotion over the years, the result of a painful and tragic childhood epitomized by those who would wish to see me fail. So I write, for this is the only way I know how to vocalize the true passion within me that hides beneath the machine that I have become.

My grandmother gave her all for me, she is the only mother I have ever known. For when all others had failed, she was the one who took me in and raised me as her own. I would never have survived if it had not been for her and my grandfather who preceded her in death by three years. My grandmother was a strong woman, she was my guardian, my protector, my shield against those who would wish to see me fail and I thank her for loving me above all others.

My grandparents taught me much about life and I suppose I have learned the values of courtesy, respect and pride from them. My grandmother was a strong woman, she had survived multiple heart attacks, lived with diabetes all her life and still managed to raise five children and me, the "sixth child". I admire her and my grandfather for their strength and perseverance. Though they had very little in the way of material things, their hearts were wide open and they always helped others, good or bad, never counting the costs or seeking payment in return.

In the end, I just want to thank my grandparents for loving me as much as they did and I salute them for raising me the way they did. I agree, life was not perfect, but it could have been much worse without them.

So, on this sad day, I want to remember those that came before me and I thank them all for the contributions that they made to my life. But, especially my grandmother, the one who loved me above all others, I too love you above all others and I will never let the memory of you fade from my heart.

I love you dearly, most sincerely...

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