The Dawg A Lick Out Gainst "Dear Pastor"

Now, if you've lived in Jamaica for any period of time and used to read the Jamaican Star when it was much more than a weekly tabloid trying to imitate the National Enquirer and Star bulls*it from the US of A (these papers make excellent window and glass cleaners I might add). Anyhow, I used to always enjoy reading the Dear Pastor advice column because I used to think that the man was actually imparting some good advice. Well, the truth is, sometimes he has some *decent* advice for the Jamaican society--but sometimes the man chat pure fart [besides, me know seh di likkle bald head bredda weh write the column is not no damn pastor anyhow!].

Take for instance, this lady in Canada with a stalker boyfriend issue:


I have been seeing this man for over the past five years. We have a two-year old son.

We care about each other a lot, but he just can't stay committed to me. I found out that he had a relationship with another girl while I was pregnant and it continued later. I even caught them in bed together.

He was so sorry when he did that he cried and immediately stopped seeing her.

We continued seeing each other and he did it again, so I ended the relationship with him and asked him to support his child and leave me alone.

Every time I try to move on, he gets in the way. Sometimes he stalks me and comes to my home when I do my answer my cell phone. I am getting really irritated by this man. I was once in love with him and now I can't stand to be around him. I don't believe anything he says.

How can I get him to understand that he did me wrong and I can't trust him anymore? Each time I tell him this, he says he has changed and he won't do it again. Please let me know what to do. This man can become a little violent.

N.J., Montreal, Quebec

Dear N.J.,

You can take out a restraining order against this man. Talk to a lawyer.

I believe that he thinks that you are not serious. Perhaps he would get the message if you were to take the matter to court.


Well, here is my answer to N.J :

Dear N.J. you dun know seh the court of law ting not going to work and the restraining order ting is foolishness, what you need to do is buy yourself a shotgun. Anytime you see the man coming to your place, shoot him. But, mek sure that when you shoot him, you shoot him in the leg, that way you won't go to jail for murder (at least in the US). Plus, if you get a good lawyer and establish "probable cause" and "duress" and all those other fancy legal terms you will probably get off with a slap on the wrist. At any rate, if it don't work out, don't call me, cause is not my fault....though to be safe, I would suggest going on a vacation with him to the US and then shoot him.

Pastor AngryDog

So, do you think I have what it takes to be an advice columnist? Drop me a comment and let me know what you think!