Thursday, June 10, 2004

Bizarre Bizarre World

Greetings to all my fans and a special greeting to the Mad Bull crew, especially Dr. D who was nice enough to leave me a comment the other day. Well, I apologize to my loyal readers for not updating as often as I should and I also apologize for the somber note that was left by my last blog. I was under a bit of stress [that's what I get for inadvertently writing two Masters thesisis in one] and I certainly don't mean for my blogs to be mundane and boring! I promise you that from now on my blogs will attempt to make sense out of the ridiculous and ridicule the things that make sense on this bizarre little rock we affectionately call Earth.

I was surfing around on Fark this morning and came across an interesting article that spoke about the construction of a hall of fame for competitive hotdog eaters. Now, tell me friends, you ever hear of something like that in your life? Only in America can a man [or woman] be glorified for his/her ability to consume large quantities of hot dogs in a short period of time!

Now, to make matters worse, this article fired off a couple neurons in [what's left of] my brain and I remember watching the competition once on ESPN!!! Now, when they were interviewing these guys, some of them would tell you how they were highly-trained professional athletes. There were even a story or two of men that had travelled to the far east to eat with the great masters....hot damn, sounds like something out of a Jackie Chan movie if you ask me! But I have to say, the training regimen was really intense!!! I mean, imagine going to a buffet every day and having to wolf down everything in sight? Heaven forbid the days you have to cross-train and EAT DESSERT BEFORE YOU EAT THE MAIN COURSES!. Yes sir, pretty intense indeed. Now, isn't this guy the perfect specimen of a world-class athlete that you'd think about when you hear the word "Olympics"? [note: to sensitive readers, if extremely high resolution pictures of oversized African-American men choking on hot dogs isn't your thing, DO NOT click on the link!].



Apparently, the asians know what they are talking about when it comes to food! The current champion is a 26-year old, 131lb Japanese guy named Takeru Kobayashi who is the current champion and holds the world record for eating 50+ hot dogs [buns and sausages] in 12 minutes!!!The man is so famous that they have even invented a method of eating hot dogs called the Solomon Method.

Now, from what I understand, the Americans were a bit pissed off because they were beaten at eating their national food by an Asian, so they went on a campaign to find the next great eater. Well, I have news for the selection commitee, y'all looking in the wrong place! The next big eater is not in the US or Canada--(s)he's in the Caribbean...more specifically, "Come to Jamaica, Man!" Now, for my Jamaican readers, most of you will know what I mean when I use the term "run boat", but for those of you that don't to "run boat" means to have an informal, outdoor cookout with friends and/or family at short notice. This practice was very popular for us in high school.

Now, back in the day as a student at Jamaica College we used to have our fair share of boats. Now, it seems as if the skinniest guy there could eat the most flour dumplings in the shortest space of time. I mean, I witness this little skinny guy throwing down 12 dumplings in 5 minutes, or less followed by a bottle of soda and some chicken. Now, you tell me, if someone can eat 12+ dumplings and soda then eat a good portion of chicken in less than 12 minutes, you don't think it stand to reason that 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes is not that big of a deal? [note that the dumplings he was eating were not "spinners" and had a radius of about 4 inches and a thickness of 2 inches).

As a matter of fact, the only person I knew that impressed me more than that guy was a girl I was dating for a little bit [the reason why she and I dated only for a short while will become evident as you read on]. I picked this girl up to go watch a movie on a saturday afternoon. Well, she had just got done swimming, and I should've known that I was in for trouble. Well, we went down to the movie theater and she said she was hungry. So, I ordered her 3 Mother's patties and had my three as well. Suffice it to say, the girl had 5 patties and I had one, no problem. Right after that we went into the cinema and started to watch the movie. 45-minutes later..."Angry, mi hungry!" Well, ok, I'm thinking at this time that she had been swimming for a while and had worked up an apettite [as is the case with swimmers]. So I bought us a LARGE bucket of popcorn, two hot dogs, two patties, a coconut water for me, a soada for her, and two Nestle Crunch bars. Well, let's see, I had 1/4 of my coconut water, 1/2 of a patty, a kernel of popcorn (from the LARGE) bucket and a bite from the Crunch bar. Oh yes, did I mention that she's a size 2 dress size?

One sucky movie, 8 patties, a large bucket of popcorn, one soda, one coconut water, and two Nestle Crunch bars later me and said girl were in Half-Way-Tree walking past Burger King when, sure enough, the little voice, "Angry, mi hungry!" That was it, thank God she was going to Spanish Town and the bus stop was right next to Burger King. I put her on a bus, paid the conductor and ran for my life!

Well, as you can see, these are only average people eating--imagine the extraordinary ones! And, as such, this is why I believe the next world class Hot Dog Eating champion is going to come from Jamaica and don't forget that you heard it here first!

{arf, arf}

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