Saturday, May 08, 2004

Letter to Male Celebrities

To: Brad@Pitt.com, Orlando@Bloom.com, Colin@Farell.com, Tom@Cruise.com, Johnny@Depp.com
Cc: Good_Looking_Male_Celebs@Hollywood.com
Bcc: Not_So_Good_Looking_Males@AverageGuys.com
Subject: Class Action Suit against good-looking, rich, mail celebrities

Dear Male Celebrities,
I must firstoff say that I am completely offended by your good looks. As an average dog living in a leaky kennel, I am further put off by the tremendous wealth that all of you command. The reason for bringing a class action suit against you is that I believe that you are in violation of the anti-trust laws as well as my first amendment rights to freedom of speech.

With respect to my claim of anti-trust, you gentlemen have formed a powerful conglomeration of rich, powerful men that monopolize the already scare resource of women in the world. Similar to Microsoft, you have become too large and too powerful for the smaller, not so good looking, poorer men of the world to compete with.

Additionally, you have violated my first amendment rights by 1) making it impossible for me to talk to a female without her making a reference to some famous, rich, good-looking, actor and 2) Making it impossible for me to talk to famous Hollywood females who seem to only be interested in Hollywood males.

As you can see, your good looks and wealth severely impedes my freedom to date a good-looking woman as an average looking [or slightly below average] poor guy. How can I compete with Mr. Pitt whose deep voice, boyish good looks, and amazing smile melts the heart of millions of women on a daily basis? I mean, how can I live in a world where women would choose to date an elf over me? It's completely depressing when a girl tells me that she'd rather date an ambiguously gay pirate on crack than the Angry Dog!!!

In addition, Mr. Cruise, I knew [of] Ms. Cruz way before you--as a matter of fact I was a fan of hers ever since I saw her [on film] as a young actress in Spain. However, you have ruined all opportunities with me and her, and I thank you very much for that. Mr. Farrel, hmmm....you haven't really done anything specifically to me, but I can't stand your good looks anyway.

So gentlemen, as you see, the average male faces a great deal of pressure as a result of your good looks and wealth. Therefore, the reason for bringing suit against you is because I simply have no choice and the only way I can save myself [and perhaps become a celebrity myself] is to do something as ridiculous as this. What the hell, if William Hung can become a sex symbol with no talent and terrible teeth , then so can Angry Dog [who has much better teeth]!

{arf, arf}

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